Tuesday, 9 January 2018

Jeepers Creepers 3 Movie Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Jeepers Creepers III 
Year: 2017 
Directed and Written By: Victor Salva 
Starring: Stan Shaw, Gabrielle Haugh, Brandon Smith, Meg Foster, Jordan Salloum, Chester Rushing, Gina Philips and Jonathan Breck 
Tagline: “Sheriff Dan Tashtego and a team of creeper hunters enlist the help of officer Davis Tubbs to help stop the monster's eating spree.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20% 
IMDb Rating: 4.4/10 
          God damnit. God. Fucking. Damnit. Look, I get the tongue-in-cheek aspect of the first two films and I realize they’re not masterpieces. I get all that. But I honestly did not expect a Sharknado level of horrendous cinema that this installment delivered. 
          This was never scary, never good, never mysterious, never funny, never anything the first two were. They tease (and apparently is true) that there’s a fourth movie in the making. Which I’m torn about. Like, yeah I’ll watch it (I’m not above it) because it honestly can’t get any worse than this one was. Talk about a tremendous disappointment. Right now I’m struggling to even make jokes, that’s how hurt I am by this installment. I’m TRIGGERED BY THIS MOVIE. That’s a thing today that kids say, right? I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HOW BAD THIS FILM IS AND IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS AND DEPRESSED AND I NEED COUNSELING. 
          The plot was a tease, basically we were supposed to learn something about the Creeper’s backstory. What we learned is it’s ancient and there is a way to defeat it. That’s it. Jesus Christ Victor, come on man! Bad acting, bad story, no scares, horrendous effects, just all around a huge dud. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 20 percent, but not even enough for a critical consensus and IMDb actually gave it a 4.4! I didn’t know IMDb went that low! What a milestone! What heights we have reached! And by heights I mean low, low lows! The film has grossed almost two-and-a-half million and Box Office Mojo doesn’t have the balls to tell us how much it took to make because it couldn’t have been more than ten dollars and a Subway footlong. 
          You wanna know how difficult it is to write anything about this movie? I couldn’t tell if the actor names were the character names and vice versa. Yeah. Mhmm. I cannot, I just can't with this movie. Victor Salva should spend less time getting arrested for Child Porn and more time crafting a story. Too soon? Also, anyone notice how his most famous film series involves the name “Creeper” when that’s what he is? No? No one? Okay just me. Child porn joke, check. Even worse hack joke, check. Subpar movie review, check. Okay! I think I’m all set here. Cheers folks! 

General ​Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks & Tomfoolery ​   Written​ ​By​:  
Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 

Last​ ​Word  “Alright, you son of a bitch!” - As Sandwich clicks the “rent” button, hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and getting the worst.

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