Friday, 5 January 2018

Grudge Match Movie Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



Grudge Match 
Year:​ 2013 
Directed By:​ ​Peter Segal 
Starring:​ Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Kim Basinger, Jon Bernthal, Kevin Hart, LL Cool J, Anthony Anderson, and Alan Arkin 
Tagline:​ “A pair of aging boxing rivals are coaxed out of retirement to fight one final bout, thirty years after their last match.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score:​ 30% 
IMDb Rating:​ 6.4/10 

          Class, my lecture today is on the value of money. Three dollars and ninety-nine cents. When you think about it, that’s not much money. However, with that three dollars and ninety-nine cents you can almost certainly rent another film. Plus, let us now combine in the two-hours that accompanies these three dollars and ninety-nine cents. Money comes and goes, time, as you will find as you get older, is only fleeting. Time only passes and rarely do you find more of it. That being said, I implore you. Avoid this film. Please. For the love of all that is sacred and good in this world, avoid this movie. I’m not above it. I have admitted this before, I am not above a buff-movie starring two heavyweight actors and a weak plot. Time and time again I find myself here, which I’ve come to accept and I’m fine with it. However, every once in a while a film comes along that tests my moral compass and makes me question everything in my life that led me to this decision. This is one of those movies. 
          I really don’t even know where to start. Apparently, this came across DeNiro’s desk first and true to his awful decision making in movies since forever, decided not only did he want to do this but he wanted Stallone to co-star with him. And Stallone actually didn't want to do it! DeNiro talked him into it and we have that exact effort on screen. DeNiro is happy as can be being in this piece of shit and Stallone wished he had never signed on the dotted line. There’s a great cast in this which is one of the selling points, but whew. Bad, awful efforts all around. Stallone literally couldn't care less that he is a star in a motion picture, like he delivers his lines like he gives up halfway through each sentence. Kevin Hart and Alan Arkin are actually funny together, but of course we get literally only get two short scenes with them together. (Side note, Kim Basinger is still smoking hot. She’s 63 and I don’t give a fuck. Wow. Damn. Ugh. Yeah.) Jon Bernthal gives the best performance in this film, he seems to be the only one who abides by everything you do on-screen lives forever because even in this dumpster fire and getting nothing but hollow performances back, he makes you feel. And he’s the only one. 
          I can’t decide if this is supposed to be a comedy, a feel-good drama, or both because of how empty the dialogue is, how poorly it’s performed or how cheesy and sloppy the story goes. It was never funny, it was never heart-warming and it was never entertaining. It’s the epitome of a miss. But not even a swing and a miss because when you swing and miss you at least attempt to make a good movie. Not just rob the public of time and money they’ll never get back because you wanted to collect a fucking paycheck. I realize I’m defending only a very small portion of people here, this thing only made a shade under 45 million dollars worldwide. That’s awful. Like seriously awful, the budget was around 40 million, barely made profit and lost money in the US. As it should have! 
          I don’t know why you would ever watch this film, I don’t know why I did, I don’t know why anyone on the Planet Earth did. Here’s what Rotten Tomatoes had to say, “Grudge Match is sporadically funny but meandering, and its strong cast largely mired in a plot that's overrun with clich├ęs.” To me, that’s putting it lightly. 30% is more than generous. I mean that’s straight up a fucking gift. How it got a 6.4 on IMDb is completely beyond me. I have no fucking clue why they even use a scale that goes from zero to ten. Every film rating for them falls between a 6 and a 9, it’s idiocy. I guess I’ll have to agree more with RT but shit, 30% is way too high. This should be one of those under 5 percenters. And trust me, this pains me to say because I love me some Sly and Bobby. But Jesus H Fuck, that was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. 

General ​Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks & Tomfoolery ​   
Written​ ​By​:  Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 
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Last​ ​Word  “I think we depressed the shit out of these pigeons...” - Not just the pigeons. Not just the pigeons.