Friday, 26 January 2018

Terror Haver Episode 1

On this special crossover of the Haver and the Terror Firma podcast I am joined as always by my two crazy as hell partners in crime as we answer your ludicrous questions the best we can and ... you know... talk our usual load of shite along the way. No one is safe where horror meets offensive comedy.... welcome to TERROR HAVER EPISODE 1 

Here are the links to both the video and audio versions of the episode. If you enjoy th show please subscribe to the podcast and YouTube channel and show some love by sharing these links. Also if you interested in purchasing any of the items below you will help the shw out greatly by clicking through the links and making the corporate fucks over at Amazon UK send some pennies our way. Cheers and don't lose your smile even when you are screaming!!!

Friday, 19 January 2018

Terror Firma Store Products

We are happy to announce that these T-Shirts are on sale now over at the Terror Firma Store.

purchases in the store go to helping to keep the lights on 
and the network and website going so you get to both buy
a cool shirt and keep this mad house in business :-) 

Prose & Cons Episode 3 With Die Hard 2 & Bad Boys Writer Doug Richardson

Joining Drew on this episode of Prose & Cons is Hollywood screenwriting royalty in the form of Hostage, Die Hard 2, Money Train & Bad Boys writer Doug Richardson.

Doug is no stranger to recording shows with Drew as they have previously recorded a very controversial live stream which had an "abrupt" ending. Did they get as controversial in this episode? You will have to listen to find out.

Join Doug & Drew as they discuss the craft of screenwriting.


Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Mother Film Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanish

Year:​ 2017 
Written & 
Directed By:​ ​Darren Aronofsky 
Starring:​ Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, Michelle Pfeiffer, Brian Gleeson and Domhnall Gleeson 
Tagline:​ “A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score:​ 69% 
IMDb Rating:​ 6.8/10 
          After my last two reviews, I was going to blow my brains out if I didn’t watch a good movie. So, I had heard this was a good one and very polarizing to people. Check and check, let Ol’ Sandwich weigh in. Well, sad to say my search for a good movie watch continues. Oh also, I may spoil some things in here for you. So, SPOILERS AHEAD. Actually, I definitely will. Whether you care or not is another entirely. 
          The cinematography was great. That’s about the only great and normal thing I can say about this movie. Overall, it felt like a two-hour student film from a filmmaker who has been around the block. Like he just said fuck it, let’s do this random thing. What pisses people off these days? A film with no real story? Check. Sex? People are over it, alright then no sex, but tease it the whole time! Check. Jennifer Lawrence screaming the entire film, check. Drugs? Incest? Murder? Any of these things really fuck people up anymore? No? Alright, well what about killing a baby and then eating it. What? That’ll be sure to shoo funders away and scare off audiences. Perfect! Throw that in there! Alright, let’s get this shit rolling! 
          After reading and reflecting, it’s a biblical tale. Javier Bardem is God, Jennifer Lawrence is Mother Earth, Ed Harris is Adam, Michelle Pfeiffer is Eve and the House is the Earth. Everyone else is humanity just taking and ripping shit to shreds. That being said, there’s about two hours and one minute left to fill. Most of the movie is meandering madness and bullshit. Like I said, it feels like a student film where there’s no real point, all artsy shots and shit that will piss people off. That being said, there’s a soft spot in my heart for people who go “fuck the man” and that’s precisely what Aronofsky did here. Fuck your expectations, fuck your preconceived notions, fuck you and your (at least) twelve dollar movie ticket. I mean, that takes some set of balls. Obviously this guy wanted to make this movie, it’s his little passion project. He wrote it in five days and the entire thing was done two years later. At the very least, you can’t trash his love for this project. 
          But I sure fucking can trash his project. Fuck you for marketing this and selling it to a major distributor. Produce this thing solo, release and say this is my passion project and is not to be seen by anyone because it’s not really a movie. It’s an art project. It’s an exercise in an filmmaker’s self-indulgent motion picture and a complete waste of my time. At least I saw some Jennifer Lawrence tit in high definition 4K. Also, Michelle Pfeiffer can still get it. I’m not joking, go watch it. 
          Rotten Tomatoes, what do you have to say? “There's no denying that mother! is the thought-provoking product of a singularly ambitious artistic vision, though it may be too unwieldy for mainstream tastes.” I mean. I guess. Basically, if you’re a film buff, go ahead and watch it. If you’re a mainstream film fan or anything in between, go ahead and just forget about this thing. It’s an exercise, a student film by a veteran filmmaker. I don’t know that it really has a place in any genre or tone and take that as you will. It’s ballsy and for that, I respect him and the movie. For the last two hours of my life and six bucks however, eh. It’s gone. So far gone. But hey, look at me! I’m watching critically acclaimed movies! If I say I like this movie, does that make me cultured and high-class? Or just a hipster that’s like, “The baby represents…” fucking yack. It’s been so long since film school at this point and there’s a lot I don’t miss about it. Like overanalyzing lazy metaphors. I feel like I need a shower after this film. With Jennifer Lawrence. And Javier Bardem can come too. He’s such a great actor, I’m not above it. 
         Aronofsky said when he wrote this, it flowed from him like a fevered dream. That’s what it watches like too. That’s the best summation I can come up with. So, if you have the flu, like I did watching it, you’re in for a hell of a trip. Don’t need no booze, don’t need no drugs, just some good ol’ DayQuil and a touch of influenza and you’re off on an adventure! 

General ​Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks & Tomfoolery ​   
Written​ ​By​:  Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 


Last​ ​Word  “What hurts me the most is that I wasn't enough.” - Jennifer Lawrence, Sandwich here, you’d be enough for me. I promise. Just take me with you to the land of the Wood and of the Holly.

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Terror Firma TV: Toothy Vagina Vs Titnardo

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the hosts and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Terror Firma Media. 

(Even though Drew is the CEO lol)

Tuesday, 9 January 2018

Jeepers Creepers 3 Movie Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Jeepers Creepers III 
Year: 2017 
Directed and Written By: Victor Salva 
Starring: Stan Shaw, Gabrielle Haugh, Brandon Smith, Meg Foster, Jordan Salloum, Chester Rushing, Gina Philips and Jonathan Breck 
Tagline: “Sheriff Dan Tashtego and a team of creeper hunters enlist the help of officer Davis Tubbs to help stop the monster's eating spree.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20% 
IMDb Rating: 4.4/10 
          God damnit. God. Fucking. Damnit. Look, I get the tongue-in-cheek aspect of the first two films and I realize they’re not masterpieces. I get all that. But I honestly did not expect a Sharknado level of horrendous cinema that this installment delivered. 
          This was never scary, never good, never mysterious, never funny, never anything the first two were. They tease (and apparently is true) that there’s a fourth movie in the making. Which I’m torn about. Like, yeah I’ll watch it (I’m not above it) because it honestly can’t get any worse than this one was. Talk about a tremendous disappointment. Right now I’m struggling to even make jokes, that’s how hurt I am by this installment. I’m TRIGGERED BY THIS MOVIE. That’s a thing today that kids say, right? I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HOW BAD THIS FILM IS AND IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS AND DEPRESSED AND I NEED COUNSELING. 
          The plot was a tease, basically we were supposed to learn something about the Creeper’s backstory. What we learned is it’s ancient and there is a way to defeat it. That’s it. Jesus Christ Victor, come on man! Bad acting, bad story, no scares, horrendous effects, just all around a huge dud. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 20 percent, but not even enough for a critical consensus and IMDb actually gave it a 4.4! I didn’t know IMDb went that low! What a milestone! What heights we have reached! And by heights I mean low, low lows! The film has grossed almost two-and-a-half million and Box Office Mojo doesn’t have the balls to tell us how much it took to make because it couldn’t have been more than ten dollars and a Subway footlong. 
          You wanna know how difficult it is to write anything about this movie? I couldn’t tell if the actor names were the character names and vice versa. Yeah. Mhmm. I cannot, I just can't with this movie. Victor Salva should spend less time getting arrested for Child Porn and more time crafting a story. Too soon? Also, anyone notice how his most famous film series involves the name “Creeper” when that’s what he is? No? No one? Okay just me. Child porn joke, check. Even worse hack joke, check. Subpar movie review, check. Okay! I think I’m all set here. Cheers folks! 

General ​Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks & Tomfoolery ​   Written​ ​By​:  
Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 

Last​ ​Word  “Alright, you son of a bitch!” - As Sandwich clicks the “rent” button, hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and getting the worst.

Friday, 5 January 2018

Grudge Match Movie Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Grudge Match 
Year:​ 2013 
Directed By:​ ​Peter Segal 
Starring:​ Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Kim Basinger, Jon Bernthal, Kevin Hart, LL Cool J, Anthony Anderson, and Alan Arkin 
Tagline:​ “A pair of aging boxing rivals are coaxed out of retirement to fight one final bout, thirty years after their last match.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score:​ 30% 
IMDb Rating:​ 6.4/10 

          Class, my lecture today is on the value of money. Three dollars and ninety-nine cents. When you think about it, that’s not much money. However, with that three dollars and ninety-nine cents you can almost certainly rent another film. Plus, let us now combine in the two-hours that accompanies these three dollars and ninety-nine cents. Money comes and goes, time, as you will find as you get older, is only fleeting. Time only passes and rarely do you find more of it. That being said, I implore you. Avoid this film. Please. For the love of all that is sacred and good in this world, avoid this movie. I’m not above it. I have admitted this before, I am not above a buff-movie starring two heavyweight actors and a weak plot. Time and time again I find myself here, which I’ve come to accept and I’m fine with it. However, every once in a while a film comes along that tests my moral compass and makes me question everything in my life that led me to this decision. This is one of those movies. 
          I really don’t even know where to start. Apparently, this came across DeNiro’s desk first and true to his awful decision making in movies since forever, decided not only did he want to do this but he wanted Stallone to co-star with him. And Stallone actually didn't want to do it! DeNiro talked him into it and we have that exact effort on screen. DeNiro is happy as can be being in this piece of shit and Stallone wished he had never signed on the dotted line. There’s a great cast in this which is one of the selling points, but whew. Bad, awful efforts all around. Stallone literally couldn't care less that he is a star in a motion picture, like he delivers his lines like he gives up halfway through each sentence. Kevin Hart and Alan Arkin are actually funny together, but of course we get literally only get two short scenes with them together. (Side note, Kim Basinger is still smoking hot. She’s 63 and I don’t give a fuck. Wow. Damn. Ugh. Yeah.) Jon Bernthal gives the best performance in this film, he seems to be the only one who abides by everything you do on-screen lives forever because even in this dumpster fire and getting nothing but hollow performances back, he makes you feel. And he’s the only one. 
          I can’t decide if this is supposed to be a comedy, a feel-good drama, or both because of how empty the dialogue is, how poorly it’s performed or how cheesy and sloppy the story goes. It was never funny, it was never heart-warming and it was never entertaining. It’s the epitome of a miss. But not even a swing and a miss because when you swing and miss you at least attempt to make a good movie. Not just rob the public of time and money they’ll never get back because you wanted to collect a fucking paycheck. I realize I’m defending only a very small portion of people here, this thing only made a shade under 45 million dollars worldwide. That’s awful. Like seriously awful, the budget was around 40 million, barely made profit and lost money in the US. As it should have! 
          I don’t know why you would ever watch this film, I don’t know why I did, I don’t know why anyone on the Planet Earth did. Here’s what Rotten Tomatoes had to say, “Grudge Match is sporadically funny but meandering, and its strong cast largely mired in a plot that's overrun with clich├ęs.” To me, that’s putting it lightly. 30% is more than generous. I mean that’s straight up a fucking gift. How it got a 6.4 on IMDb is completely beyond me. I have no fucking clue why they even use a scale that goes from zero to ten. Every film rating for them falls between a 6 and a 9, it’s idiocy. I guess I’ll have to agree more with RT but shit, 30% is way too high. This should be one of those under 5 percenters. And trust me, this pains me to say because I love me some Sly and Bobby. But Jesus H Fuck, that was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. 

General ​Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks & Tomfoolery ​   
Written​ ​By​:  Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 

Last​ ​Word  “I think we depressed the shit out of these pigeons...” - Not just the pigeons. Not just the pigeons.

Prose & Cons Episode 2 Part 2