Justice League
Year: 2017
Directed By: Zack Snyder
Written By: Joss Whedon and Chris Terrio
Starring: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Gal Gadot,
Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher, Jeremy Irons, Diane Lane, Connie Nielsen,
J.K. Simmons, Amber Heard and Ciarán Hinds
Tagline: “Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and
inspired by Superman's selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists the help of his
newfound ally, Diana Prince, to face an even greater enemy.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 41%
IMDb Rating: 7.3/10
What’s up, bitches? Guess who’s
back. Back again. Sandwich is back. Back again. Yes he’s back, yes he’s back,
yes he’s back. I decided to come back to a movie I could watch in the Dolby
Cinema Theater, hoping that would dull the blow of what I assumed would be a
bad movie. What I feel I think is worse. Complete and utter indifference. Just
like the majority of the acting in the film. But what’s worse than not feeling
one way or another about a movie? It’s not good but it’s not bad. It’s just
kind of there. A big, bloated piece of digitization floating in the ether.
Check it. One of the running gags
in my podcast, The Ranting and Raving Podcast, is the fact that I love to watch
bad movies. Sometimes I can’t help it, sometimes I embrace it. I do not
understand how people love these superhero movies. I don’t get it. Like, I
understand why I’m watching it, it’s because I watch bad movies. I don’t get
the film buffs that watch and are floored and amazed and love these movies. I’m
looking at you, Chris (my co-host, but foremost my friend, awwwww). The
characters are paper thin, the plot is simple to a stupid degree and has to be
over explained through PAINFUL expository dialogue and leaves you feeling empty
at the end. It’s the definition of empty calories. And trust me, on a new diet,
there is ZERO room for empty calories, people. From here on out, I will be
going into specifics, so if you haven’t seen the film, but somehow have the
balls to read the review, this is for you. SPOILERS AHEAD.
Full disclosure, I don’t know if
this is a real spoiler or not but hey, guess what? Superman comes back. Yup.
Shocker considering Henry Cavill helped promote the film and is among the main
cast. So here’s the plot of Justice League. An ancient alien that’s super powerful
comes back to destroy Earth and Batman has to assemble a group of superheroes
ONLY TO DECIDE THEY NEED SUPERMAN BACK ANYWAY. Then they reanimate him using a
mysterious power-box that nobody understands, but yet they understand it can
reanimate dead, kryptonian tissue. Then Superman comes back and makes a
fuckdoll out of Steppenwolf (guess he wasn’t born to be wild after all, huh?)
and then the movie ends. There’s no sense of impending doom or dread because
Superman literally isn’t even close to challenged by the main villain.
Oh, you want some positives?
Okay. Um. Well. It’s much better than Suicide Squad! Not as good as Wonder
Woman, which I didn’t love anyway. The stand-alone Aquaman movie has potential.
Mostly because Jason Momoa has that leading man charisma but also because Amber
Heard will be in it. Gal Gadot is just mind-numbingly gorgeous. Um. I don’t
know what else to say. Honestly, it’s that ho-hum.
Let’s see what Rotten Tomatoes
had to say, “Justice League leaps over a number of DC movies, but its single
bound isn't enough to shed the murky aesthetic, thin characters, and chaotic
action that continue to dog the franchise.” #Preach. Enough said. That’s
exactly what I felt. I have no idea how it got a 7.3 out of IMDb.
One last thing. Call me old-fashioned,
but when I watch a good action movie, it uses real stunts. It helps get you
into the action and feel the anxiety of what the characters are dealing with.
When literally EVERYTHING is digitised to an unhealthy degree, it really takes
a lot more to get into the action, the story, character, everything. But maybe
that’s just me. But it is increasingly difficult to get into action that’s
clearly just little blobs of video-game-like graphics fighting. There’s no
stakes whatsoever based in this world, and maybe that’s part of the problem.
General Shenanigans, Buffoonery, High-Jinks and
Tomfoolery Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 
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