Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Dolby Cinema Review by Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Dolby Cinema
Year: 2014-
Started By: Dolby
Starring: Me and My Brother, Leif
Tagline: “Holy fuck, is this still the movie theater?”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: N/A IMDb Rating: N/A

So, this is a different movie review. This is for a theater rather than a film. Like, why would I waste my time and yours on a Blade Runner: 2049 review? Everyone knows it’s great. You, me, everyone who’s seen it, my brother who’s not a film nut in any sense of the word, the fucking mouse that eats all the popcorn on theater floors knows it too. So why not do something a little different?
Dolby Cinema is a throwback cinematic experience. What I mean by that is simple. When you first went to the movies as a child it was an experience. You had your parents take you out and it was an event. Movies on a screen roughly 17,000 times your size, sound that blew your head off and being transported into worlds that weren’t your own. Over time, you become desensitized by that kind of thing. Eventually, you wind up like most of us are, asking your brother to go see a film at 12:30 on a Monday afternoon (when you both somehow inexplicably have off).
Then, on a whim, you decide to try this Dolby Cinema. For seventeen bucks, you actually choose your own seat. Clue number one that this would be different. Then you enter the theater and it’s a long walk to the front then BOOM, giant ass fucking screen. Great, IMAX quality! Love it. Then you see these giants tiers of rows of leather, reclinable comfy seats. Holy shit. THEN the movie starts and the seat is shaking from the subwoofers, the sound is everywhere, even in the ceiling above you! And then for the next three hours you forget totally about your shitty life and your shitty car and the shitty meal you’re going to eat after this is done. It’s an experience. It makes me want to go back, just to be able to go to that theater again.
If I were a multimillionaire designing my own in-home movie theater, I’m not sure I could do it much better than Dolby Cinema. The kicker? I know this is a product, but I’m not getting paid, retweeted or NOTHIN’ for this review! My love of movies and cinema combined with this experience earlier this week and Dolby Cinema is partially to thank for it. Thank you for not just talking my money and investing in another ho-hum FAUX-IMAX theater. Thank you for designing the ultimate theater experience. Fuck 3D, this is the next great movie theater experience.
A quick aside, in terms of Blade Runner: 2049, it is a phenomenal film. It pays homage to the original while also still being able to hold up a new story with new meanings and its own weight of twists and mysteries. You won’t be disappointed. Anyway, that’s all. Carry on now. Okay bye now. Bye bye then.

General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 

Last Word “Pain reminds you the joy you felt was real.” - Blade Runner: 2049 on Chinese food aftermath.

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