Monday, 25 September 2017

The Mummy Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

The Mummy
Year: 2017
Directed By: Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Russell Crowe and Jake Johnson
Tagline: “An ancient Egyptian princess is awakened from her crypt beneath the desert, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia, and terrors that defy human comprehension.”
RottenTomatoes Score: 16%
IMDb Rating: 5.6/10

This one hurts. A big fan of the Universal Monster films and the potential for a “Dark Universe”, I immediately got excited for this one when it was announced. Then Tom Cruise was the star of it. I had mixed emotions. I’m a Tom Cruise fan, unlike most people these days, say what you will, but the man is an action star and a box office draw. Which is why the four-hundred million dollar raking in worldwide was a bit of a shock. After seeing the film, I can now see why.
If I had to choose one word to describe this film, I would use a word that comes up too often in a lot of big picture productions these days. Empty. Part of what made the late nineties Mummy films so fun was their charm, emotion and the ability to land a joke. They rode on the coattails of Brendan Fraser and honored the mythology of the story. Now, I understand these are not great films, but they’re films that have survived a long time in a business that will bury the films that don’t have any blood, sweat and tears poured into them. Enter Tom Cruise’s version of The Mummy.
Now, look, I don’t know what to really think about the rest of the Dark Universe films. I am absolutely going to watch them. No doubt. The Bride of Frankenstein is supposed to be the next one and Javier Bardem is supposed to be Frankenstein’s Monster. There is hope. And, if I did my research correctly, what I read is suggesting that Tom Cruise had way too much control on the set and in the editing bay and that his influences severely altered the course of this film. I believe it and I can see if that is true, a bright future remains for this Dark Universe. It’s too rich with such a long history to not have a couple of successful entries. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-Wolfman-Creature from the Black Lagoon-Frankenstein crossover?! WHO I ASK?!
Oh, you want reviews of this actual film not just the Dark Universe? Well, my friends, the life of the Dark Universe is teetering on the edge of existence right now, so I took that as the more important option. Watch the film, go ahead. You won’t. If you do, you won’t hate it. You won’t love it. You really won’t feel anything about it in anyway at all which is probably the most indicative thing I can say about it. That’s the lasting impression I get. As I write this, The Mummy is fresh in my head. I imagine that in twenty-four hours or less I will have no memory of this movie as it is already fading fast back into the subconscious of my dark mind. Sandwich Dark Mind Universe. I literally remember more scenes from the 1999 version than a film I just saw.
The worst part of this film is Tom Cruise’s attempt to be charismatic and hokey. It just doesn’t work. And that pains me to say it, because I am a Tom Cruise lover. As in I’m a fan. I’d be lucky to be a Tom Cruise lover. But he has to know when to step off. I love Jake Johnson, if he was the lead in this film (and minus the Tom Cruises influence during production) I bet this film would have been better off. I would fight the Rotten Tomatoes review just because I want the Dark Universe to exist and pump out films. But they’re not wrong. “Lacking the campy fun of the franchise's most recent entries and failing to deliver many monster-movie thrills, The Mummy suggests a speedy unraveling for the Dark Universe.” In the immortal words of Darth Vader, “NOOOoOoooOOOoOOOoOOO!”

Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch


Last Word “You can’t run. You can’t escape. She’s got plans for you.” - The Mummy sums up marriage

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