Baywatch
Year: 2017
Directed By: Seth Gordon
Starring: Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron
Tagline: “Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads
with a brash new recruit, as they uncover a criminal plot that threatens the
future of the bay.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 19%
IMDb Rating: 5.6/10
Call me crazy, but this is the
movie I chose to review. Yes, I know it’s a comedy on a horror network. What
can I say? After Raiders of the Lost Shark, I felt like nothing could be worse.
So, with my new-found cavalier attitude I pulled my FireTV remote out of its
holster and saw this bad boy sitting there. Bring it on I said. “Let the hate
flow through you,” Emperor Palpatine said. Unfortunately, the dark side will
not win today. Not taday!
I thoroughly enjoyed this film.
Yep, I said it. Look, it’s obviously a reboot/remake of the original TV show
with David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Are people sitting here pretending
that was a good show? Fuck no! You know why that was a good show? It showed
slow motion bouncing tits on network TV in the late 80s-90s. Before that was a
thing. So what did this film do? Showed plenty of that. A lot of cleavage. And,
hello, unlike most reboots and films today, they went with an R rating! That’s
a diamond in a rough these days. You do that and you have my attention. Dick
jokes, fuck words being thrown around, thank you! And the best part? The film
knew it was a comedy! It knew what it was and never tried to get really
sentimental, never tried to be anything it wasn’t. It honored the original
source material, even had the Hoff and Pammy come back for cameos. I mean, what
more do you want, people? What more do you actually want? I could have used a
couple more tits on screen, but maybe that’s just because I watch Game of
Thrones and Westworld so maybe I’m a little over-saturated.
I like The Rock, but at this
point I’ll take him or leave him. I mean seriously, how many films can he do a
year? Don’t even get me started on the Jumanji film. Zac Efron is really a
talented comedic actor. If you didn’t see either of the Neighbors films, do
yourself a favor. I don’t think anybody expected this to be a masterpiece.
Sure, some of the jokes could have been better. Some tweaks would have been
welcome, but this is a place where I staunchly disagree with Rotten Tomatoes.
“Baywatch takes its source material's jiggle factor to R-rated levels, but
lacks the original's campy charm -- and leaves its charming stars flailing in
the shallows.” Campy charm? That’s only something that exists in hindsight. How
can a recent film have campy charm? And aside from that, the pun about starts
flailing in the shallows is the worse than any joke that the film made. Go fuck
yourself. There could have been a couple jokes that were slight misses and
reoccurring some of them would have added to the laugh factor I think, but to
say this is a horrible comedy is just straight up wrong. Watch the original TV
show and then watch this and you’ll want to drown yourself in “campy charm”
rather than sit through the old Baywatch TV show.
The balls on people to give
comedy’s bad reviews like this just feed into the machine of comedy’s getting
disrespected at the box office, the oscars and golden globes alike. A comedy is
a comedy. I wanted to see a funny film with dick jokes, tits and Zac Efron and
guess what? That’s what I got. I didn’t want life lessons being forced down my
throat more than what was already there. Be a good person, be a team player,
don’t be selfish. Great, anymore than that and it turns into a dramedy or a
straight up drama. I implore you, watch this with no preconceived notions. I
watched expecting nothing and I got a nice little rated R comedy film that kept
me entertained throughout. But maybe that’s just because I’m a simpleton. Let’s
see what you think.
Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve
“Sandwich” Hanisch
P.S.: If you hate it, who cares? It’s not like Baywatch is
paying me to do this shit. Fuck me, I’m not even getting paid at all! Yeah!
So...so who’s the real moron here? That’s what I thought. Keep on walking.
Bitch.
Editor's note: Steve will be rewarded with his own film review show 'Sandwich & Chill' on the Terror Firma Network when we... you know.. win the lottery or rob a bank and can afford to break out into Cable Television lol.
