Monday, 25 September 2017

The Mummy Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

The Mummy
Year: 2017
Directed By: Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Russell Crowe and Jake Johnson
Tagline: “An ancient Egyptian princess is awakened from her crypt beneath the desert, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia, and terrors that defy human comprehension.”
RottenTomatoes Score: 16%
IMDb Rating: 5.6/10

This one hurts. A big fan of the Universal Monster films and the potential for a “Dark Universe”, I immediately got excited for this one when it was announced. Then Tom Cruise was the star of it. I had mixed emotions. I’m a Tom Cruise fan, unlike most people these days, say what you will, but the man is an action star and a box office draw. Which is why the four-hundred million dollar raking in worldwide was a bit of a shock. After seeing the film, I can now see why.
If I had to choose one word to describe this film, I would use a word that comes up too often in a lot of big picture productions these days. Empty. Part of what made the late nineties Mummy films so fun was their charm, emotion and the ability to land a joke. They rode on the coattails of Brendan Fraser and honored the mythology of the story. Now, I understand these are not great films, but they’re films that have survived a long time in a business that will bury the films that don’t have any blood, sweat and tears poured into them. Enter Tom Cruise’s version of The Mummy.
Now, look, I don’t know what to really think about the rest of the Dark Universe films. I am absolutely going to watch them. No doubt. The Bride of Frankenstein is supposed to be the next one and Javier Bardem is supposed to be Frankenstein’s Monster. There is hope. And, if I did my research correctly, what I read is suggesting that Tom Cruise had way too much control on the set and in the editing bay and that his influences severely altered the course of this film. I believe it and I can see if that is true, a bright future remains for this Dark Universe. It’s too rich with such a long history to not have a couple of successful entries. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-Wolfman-Creature from the Black Lagoon-Frankenstein crossover?! WHO I ASK?!
Oh, you want reviews of this actual film not just the Dark Universe? Well, my friends, the life of the Dark Universe is teetering on the edge of existence right now, so I took that as the more important option. Watch the film, go ahead. You won’t. If you do, you won’t hate it. You won’t love it. You really won’t feel anything about it in anyway at all which is probably the most indicative thing I can say about it. That’s the lasting impression I get. As I write this, The Mummy is fresh in my head. I imagine that in twenty-four hours or less I will have no memory of this movie as it is already fading fast back into the subconscious of my dark mind. Sandwich Dark Mind Universe. I literally remember more scenes from the 1999 version than a film I just saw.
The worst part of this film is Tom Cruise’s attempt to be charismatic and hokey. It just doesn’t work. And that pains me to say it, because I am a Tom Cruise lover. As in I’m a fan. I’d be lucky to be a Tom Cruise lover. But he has to know when to step off. I love Jake Johnson, if he was the lead in this film (and minus the Tom Cruises influence during production) I bet this film would have been better off. I would fight the Rotten Tomatoes review just because I want the Dark Universe to exist and pump out films. But they’re not wrong. “Lacking the campy fun of the franchise's most recent entries and failing to deliver many monster-movie thrills, The Mummy suggests a speedy unraveling for the Dark Universe.” In the immortal words of Darth Vader, “NOOOoOoooOOOoOOOoOOO!”

Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch


Last Word “You can’t run. You can’t escape. She’s got plans for you.” - The Mummy sums up marriage

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Tales Of The Damned: The Hounds Of Love By John Farman & Will Pickering

Written By John Farman & Art By Will Pickering

Rough Night Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Rough Night
Year: 2017
Directed By: Lucia Aniello
Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Kate McKinnon, Zoë Kravitz, Jillian Bell and Ilana Glazer
Tagline: “Things go terribly wrong for a group of girlfriends who hire a male stripper for a bachelorette party in Miami.” RottenTomatoesScore: 46%
IMDbRating: 5.2/10

When a movie is tagged with the description of “the female Hangover” you’re immediately going to one of two places. One, that’s bullshit. Or two, wasn’t that Bridesmaids? Either way, take it easy with The Hangover references people. That was a perfect storm of a comedy movie, they couldn't even replicate the magic in two sequels and they made the original!

No, this is not even close to a ‘Female Hangover’, however it is not without its moments. It’s got a talented cast and Jillian Bell and Kate McKinnon are by far and away the funniest ones of the bunch. I love Broad City and Ilana Glazer is phenomenal in that show, but just didn’t shine through in this one. Zoë Kravitz, to me, is nothing more than a could-have-been rock star’s daughter. Scarlett Johansson does her best to hang, but the obvious nature of an A-list star in a genre that’s not usually in her wheelhouse was too great to overcome. See, John Cusack in Hot Tub Time Machine. Also, holy run-on-sentence Batman.

As I said, there were some funny gags and cool castings throughout the film. I’m happy with the R-rating, more comedies need to go that route these days. A lot of scenes just weren’t as funny as they could have been. I do not understand the casting of Zoë Kravitz and Scarlett Johansson. If they casted stand-ups or comedic personalities in those roles, this movie could have really shined through and chemistry could have actually worked and they could have cut together scenes that weren’t stagnant. I’ll never understand that. If you have a movie based around friends reuniting, perhaps you should have friends or at least acquaintances reunite. Not this mismatch of talent. The funniest scenes in the films were the other side of the coin with the men’s “bachelor party” starring Paul W. Downs along with some very funny dudes. The problem with this movie, well one of the, is their B-storyline was funnier than their main storyline. That’s an issue. Eric Andre and the other bachelor’s created a great atmosphere and change-up to the mains storyline and that’s what you’re supposed to have happen. It’s a great joke and one of the few that work to its full potential. Actually, maybe the only joke that works to its full potential. Unfortunately. There are funny moments and if you got in expecting nothing, you’ll get a little something in return. But expect literally nothing.

I’d have to agree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, although I’m surprised at the rating. I agree more with the tag than the actual percentage of forty-six, “Rough Night’s gifted stars are certainly good for some laughs, but their talents aren't properly utilized in a scattered comedy that suffers from too many missed opportunities.” #Preach

Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

LastWord “Stop being a stupid fucking cunt and do a little cocaine!” - Rough Night talking directly to Sandwich

Monday, 11 September 2017

Logan Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Year: 2017
Directed By:​ ​James Mangold
Starring:​ ​Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Dafne Keen, Boyd Holbrook and Stephen Merchant
Tagline: “In the near future, a weary Logan cares for an ailing Professor X, somewhere on the Mexican border. However, Logan's attempts to hide from the world, and his legacy, are upended when a young mutant arrives, pursued by dark forces.” Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%
IMDb Rating: 8.2/10

This is the Wolverine movie the world needed. The movie I needed. From the opening scene, they may as well have said, “This ain’t your daddy’s Wolverine movie”. Fuck genre conventions, fuck standard PG-13 ratings for superhero films, fuck tidy-looking heroes and exalt the anti-heroes, Logan is the cream of the crop film Hugh Jackman and James Mangold wanted and needed to make to be able to leave this character behind with no stone unturned and no bit of movie effort left untouched and unscathed.
The first time you see Logan, he’s muttering “fuck” under his breath. Not two minutes later he’s decapitating some cholos and slicing their legs off. This for sure is the Wolverine movie the world needed. It’s dark, it’s gritty, it’s violent, it’s heart-warming, it’s cold, it’s heartfelt, it’s bloody, it’s sad, it’s depressing, it’s genre-defying and genre-creating. It’s perfect. It rewrote what “superhero” films should be. They should be based in reality with storylines and real emotions with some underlying mythos. Not the formulaic Marvel films now that are all PG-13 and colorful and cheerful. That’s just unrealistic and unrelatable. Logan is the anti-superhero film. It’s not even my favorite X-Men movie, because it doesn’t classify as an X-Men movie. If you want to get technical, it exists in that universe but it’s an offshoot of the Old Man Logan comics and quite frankly, I’m not even talking about that. I’m saying, Hugh Jackman wanted to make one more Wolverine movie. May as well make it the best one yet. It took many years, but we finally have the formula for what a Mutant/Superhero film should be. And Logan is i-t it.
When Marvel writes in character “flaws” it’s one thing. It’s one thing that gets exploited to make the superheroes human. It’s still incredibly unrealistic and unrelatable, hence the empty feeling you’re left with when you’re done watching those films. In Logan, he’s getting poisoned by his adamantium skeleton, he still hates everyone and loves no one until he’s forced to. Oh, and he’s suicidal too. Every character has multiple human flaws and that only aides the film forward and allows you to dive into the characters and they dive into each other.
There’s nothing I hate about this film. From the casting to the story to the visuals and easter eggs, this is a great movie for fans of the character and the X-Men comics. Couldn’t agree more with Rotten Tomatoes this time around, “Hugh Jackman makes the most of his final outing as Wolverine with a gritty, nuanced performance in a violent but surprisingly thoughtful superhero action film that defies genre conventions.” I’ll add on to that, makes the genre conventions what it should be. Fuck that, making a genre. Call it FuckMarvelFuckDCLetsJustMakeAGreatMovie. That works. Could work as a hashtag too. #FuckMarvelFuckDCLetsJustMakeAGreatMovie. What do you mean I don’t know anything about social media?
In short, if you haven’t seen Logan, I would highly recommend you do so. If you don’t want to see Logan, then go fuck yourself, I have nothing to say to the likes of you. Other than the things that have already been said, of course.

Review​ ​and​ ​General​ ​Shenanigans​ ​Written​ ​By​: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch
Last​ ​Word  “I did something. Something unspeakable. I've remembered what happened in Westchester. This is not the first time I've hurt people. Until today, I didn't know. You wouldn't tell me. So we just kept on running away from it. I think I finally understand you.” - Charles Xavier, Logan (2017)

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Tales Of The Damned: Julia Bronte, Monster Hunter By John Farman & John Howard

Written by John Farman
Art By John Howard

Baywatch Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch


Year:​ 2017
Directed​ ​By:​ ​Seth Gordon
Starring:​ ​Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron
Tagline​: “Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads with a brash new recruit, as they uncover a criminal plot that threatens the future of the bay.”
Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: 19%
IMDb​ ​Rating​: 5.6/10

Call me crazy, but this is the movie I chose to review. Yes, I know it’s a comedy on a horror network. What can I say? After Raiders of the Lost Shark, I felt like nothing could be worse. So, with my new-found cavalier attitude I pulled my FireTV remote out of its holster and saw this bad boy sitting there. Bring it on I said. “Let the hate flow through you,” Emperor Palpatine said. Unfortunately, the dark side will not win today. Not taday!

I thoroughly enjoyed this film. Yep, I said it. Look, it’s obviously a reboot/remake of the original TV show with David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Are people sitting here pretending that was a good show? Fuck no! You know why that was a good show? It showed slow motion bouncing tits on network TV in the late 80s-90s. Before that was a thing. So what did this film do? Showed plenty of that. A lot of cleavage. And, hello, unlike most reboots and films today, they went with an R rating! That’s a diamond in a rough these days. You do that and you have my attention. Dick jokes, fuck words being thrown around, thank you! And the best part? The film knew it was a comedy! It knew what it was and never tried to get really sentimental, never tried to be anything it wasn’t. It honored the original source material, even had the Hoff and Pammy come back for cameos. I mean, what more do you want, people? What more do you actually want? I could have used a couple more tits on screen, but maybe that’s just because I watch Game of Thrones and Westworld so maybe I’m a little over-saturated.

I like The Rock, but at this point I’ll take him or leave him. I mean seriously, how many films can he do a year? Don’t even get me started on the Jumanji film. Zac Efron is really a talented comedic actor. If you didn’t see either of the Neighbors films, do yourself a favor. I don’t think anybody expected this to be a masterpiece. Sure, some of the jokes could have been better. Some tweaks would have been welcome, but this is a place where I staunchly disagree with Rotten Tomatoes. “Baywatch takes its source material's jiggle factor to R-rated levels, but lacks the original's campy charm -- and leaves its charming stars flailing in the shallows.” Campy charm? That’s only something that exists in hindsight. How can a recent film have campy charm? And aside from that, the pun about starts flailing in the shallows is the worse than any joke that the film made. Go fuck yourself. There could have been a couple jokes that were slight misses and reoccurring some of them would have added to the laugh factor I think, but to say this is a horrible comedy is just straight up wrong. Watch the original TV show and then watch this and you’ll want to drown yourself in “campy charm” rather than sit through the old Baywatch TV show.

The balls on people to give comedy’s bad reviews like this just feed into the machine of comedy’s getting disrespected at the box office, the oscars and golden globes alike. A comedy is a comedy. I wanted to see a funny film with dick jokes, tits and Zac Efron and guess what? That’s what I got. I didn’t want life lessons being forced down my throat more than what was already there. Be a good person, be a team player, don’t be selfish. Great, anymore than that and it turns into a dramedy or a straight up drama. I implore you, watch this with no preconceived notions. I watched expecting nothing and I got a nice little rated R comedy film that kept me entertained throughout. But maybe that’s just because I’m a simpleton. Let’s see what you think.

Review​ ​and​ ​General​ ​Shenanigans​ ​Written​ ​By​: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

P.S.: If you hate it, who cares? It’s not like Baywatch is paying me to do this shit. Fuck me, I’m not even getting paid at all! Yeah! who’s the real moron here? That’s what I thought. Keep on walking. Bitch.

Editor's note: Steve will be rewarded with his own film review show 'Sandwich & Chill' on the Terror Firma Network when we... you know.. win the lottery or rob a bank and can afford to break out into Cable Television lol.