TUSK
Year: 2014
Written and Directed By: Kevin Smith
Starring: Justin Long, Michael Parks, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez and Johnny Depp
Tagline: “When insult comic podcaster Wallace Bryton goes missing in the backwoods of Manitoba while interviewing a mysterious seafarer
named Howard Howe, his best friend Teddy and girlfriend Allison
team with an ex-cop to look for him.”
named Howard Howe, his best friend Teddy and girlfriend Allison
team with an ex-cop to look for him.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 41% IMDb Rating: 5.4/10
‘Intrigued’ would be the word I would use to describe my pick of this film. Written and
directed by Kevin Smith and starring Justin
Long along with Michael Parks and Haley Joel Osment and Johnny
Depp?
Yeah, okay, you got me. Despite the ho-hum reviews, I threw all
logic and reason aside and plunged ahead anyway like the brave
explorer I am! Well. If you choose to follow the same idea
I had, I would say maybe don’t instead. This was by far, the
strangest, weirdest film I’ve seen in a long time.
It’s like Human Centipede with a couple of laughs and more famous actors. Not that Human Centipede wasn’t a knee-slapper of hilarity in its own right…
Long along with Michael Parks and Haley Joel Osment and Johnny
Depp?
Yeah, okay, you got me. Despite the ho-hum reviews, I threw all
logic and reason aside and plunged ahead anyway like the brave
explorer I am! Well. If you choose to follow the same idea
I had, I would say maybe don’t instead. This was by far, the
strangest, weirdest film I’ve seen in a long time.
It’s like Human Centipede with a couple of laughs and more famous actors. Not that Human Centipede wasn’t a knee-slapper of hilarity in its own right…
If you can get past the plot, overall weirdness and stomach-churning visuals, it’s definitely a
different, interesting
concept for a film. Leave it to the mind of Kevin Smith to take you on this ridiculous ride. The visuals are, as described, intense. The extreme camera angles, length of shots and time he holds on those
shots, it all adds to the uneasiness of the film. From an audio perspective, I very much enjoyed this maybe most of all. In the
beginning, the sound adds to the intensity, like any good, old-fashioned horror film. However, somewhere around the time things start to get ridiculous, so does the soundtrack, as if to tell you, ‘hey, it’s okay to feel weird and have a laugh or two.
Let’s get weird.’ The music becomes a punchline. Playing “Tusk” by
Fleetwood Mac or generic french music for the Detective from
Quebec, Guy Lapointe, it’s pretty obvious that Kevin Smith took
this on knowing full well what he was creating. Even if the audience doesn't quite have any idea.
If in fact his hashtags for #WalrusNo beat out #WalrusYes, I fully
believe he would have dropped the idea entirely. He’s that kind
of guy. For better or worse.
concept for a film. Leave it to the mind of Kevin Smith to take you on this ridiculous ride. The visuals are, as described, intense. The extreme camera angles, length of shots and time he holds on those
shots, it all adds to the uneasiness of the film. From an audio perspective, I very much enjoyed this maybe most of all. In the
beginning, the sound adds to the intensity, like any good, old-fashioned horror film. However, somewhere around the time things start to get ridiculous, so does the soundtrack, as if to tell you, ‘hey, it’s okay to feel weird and have a laugh or two.
Let’s get weird.’ The music becomes a punchline. Playing “Tusk” by
Fleetwood Mac or generic french music for the Detective from
Quebec, Guy Lapointe, it’s pretty obvious that Kevin Smith took
this on knowing full well what he was creating. Even if the audience doesn't quite have any idea.
If in fact his hashtags for #WalrusNo beat out #WalrusYes, I fully
believe he would have dropped the idea entirely. He’s that kind
of guy. For better or worse.
All the love and respect I have for Kevin Smith aside, this film waslargely a one-note joke
that was taken all the way. An hour and
forty minutes for this film is an eternity in this world. Parts were enjoyable and I’m not joking when I say Johnny Depp absolutely stole the show and saved this film for me.
All in all, I didn’t expect much and I didn’t get much. For that
fact, I can’t hate it as it was well done, the acting, while
ridiculous, was solid and believe it or not, there were laughs. I’d tend to side with the ratings that exist out there, Rotten Tomatoes
pretty much nails it with their tag, “Tusk is pleasantly ridiculous
and charmingly self-deprecating, but that isn't enough to compensate for its thin, overstretched story.” Bottom line being, if you’re a huge Kevin Smith fan, then go right on ahead.
If you’re not, then not seeing this film might actually be the best decision you’ll make today. And again, for real, the best comedic
Johnny Depp performance I’ve ever seen is in this movie. Not
even kidding. Seriously. I’m not crazy! What’s that, Mr. Tusk? I’ll be right there! Sorry, guys, I gotta go feed my walrus.
Not an innuendo. Plot Spoilers and Commentary Ahead At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I
watched. I hope you enjoy, read for a nice laugh.
If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard
this portion.
forty minutes for this film is an eternity in this world. Parts were enjoyable and I’m not joking when I say Johnny Depp absolutely stole the show and saved this film for me.
All in all, I didn’t expect much and I didn’t get much. For that
fact, I can’t hate it as it was well done, the acting, while
ridiculous, was solid and believe it or not, there were laughs. I’d tend to side with the ratings that exist out there, Rotten Tomatoes
pretty much nails it with their tag, “Tusk is pleasantly ridiculous
and charmingly self-deprecating, but that isn't enough to compensate for its thin, overstretched story.” Bottom line being, if you’re a huge Kevin Smith fan, then go right on ahead.
If you’re not, then not seeing this film might actually be the best decision you’ll make today. And again, for real, the best comedic
Johnny Depp performance I’ve ever seen is in this movie. Not
even kidding. Seriously. I’m not crazy! What’s that, Mr. Tusk? I’ll be right there! Sorry, guys, I gotta go feed my walrus.
Not an innuendo. Plot Spoilers and Commentary Ahead At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I
watched. I hope you enjoy, read for a nice laugh.
If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard
this portion.
2:00: Looks like podcasters having a ball. Looks like The Ranting and
Raving Podcast. #CheapPlug
Raving Podcast. #CheapPlug
3:30: That’s the guy from Epic Meal time! Anyone? Anyone? Just me?
Okay then.
Okay then.
7:00: How much money can they possibly pull down per podcast
episode? He flies round trip every week? If anything, this will be
the least feasible thing in the entire film.
episode? He flies round trip every week? If anything, this will be
the least feasible thing in the entire film.
8:30: Ah-ha, there you go. The weird jump into this weird world.
A handwritten letter from a weird old Canadian man promising
“stories”. Ever go to boy scouts and watch the molester warning video? Probably #1 on the list.
A handwritten letter from a weird old Canadian man promising
“stories”. Ever go to boy scouts and watch the molester warning video? Probably #1 on the list.
9:00: “I hate American guys.” Yeah, me too sweetheart.
11:00: Why wasn’t “Tusk” by Fleetwood Mac in the soundtrack? Maybe
that’s why I’m not a good filmmaker, because I have terrible ideas
like that. *Update, they actually used the majority of their budget to acquire the rights to use this song. Maybe I’m not so
stupid after all, eh!”
that’s why I’m not a good filmmaker, because I have terrible ideas
like that. *Update, they actually used the majority of their budget to acquire the rights to use this song. Maybe I’m not so
stupid after all, eh!”
11:24: Hello Michael Parks! And hello creepy character he plays.
15:20:“I’m a podcaster. What on Earth is that?” Every interaction
I’ve ever had with a person over 50.
I’ve ever had with a person over 50.
21:36: This is the old stories no one ever listened to from their
grandparents. Who thinks to make a movie of this?
grandparents. Who thinks to make a movie of this?
23:00: I’m already tired of Justin Long’s reactions and over-the-top character. Already. Only an hour
and ten to go.
25:17:OH FUCK! Mr. Tusk! Does that mean something? I hope so. This
is already too artsy for me.
is already too artsy for me.
25:46:And I spoke too soon. As usual. Justin Long is drugged as
fuck. Michael Parks about to get his rape on. But in fairness.
He deserves this. Who would go do this by himself?
fuck. Michael Parks about to get his rape on. But in fairness.
He deserves this. Who would go do this by himself?
27:31: “Making fun of this poor guy on your show is vicious.”
Vicious is blue-balling on purpose Ms. Lady.
Vicious is blue-balling on purpose Ms. Lady.
32:00: Ever had a blowjob so intense you woke up a paraplegic?
Justin Long has.
Justin Long has.
34:30: That escalated quickly. And how poetic.
36:00: That’s a dark sense of humor from Michael Parks. Love it.
40:15: Oh shit! He walks and bitch slaps! Not great at nursery rhymes though.
41:30: Weird fetish bruh.
43:00: Michael Parks is unhinged!
43:00: Michael Parks is unhinged!
44:40: That’s absolutely Haley Joel Osment's hand.
45:14: What the actual fuck is going on here?
47:00:They make Justin Long’s character so shitty in order to not
feel bad for what’s happening to him. Classic Turning-A-Human-Into-A-Walrus tactics.
feel bad for what’s happening to him. Classic Turning-A-Human-Into-A-Walrus tactics.
50:20: Called it. HJO fucks.
50:35: Walrus dick bone is gone! Next stop. Justin Long’s asshole.
51:37: Who sleeps like that?
53:07: Oh this isn’t going to be pretty. Probably looks like me.
54:40:His backstory sounds like a dark, Canadian Batman backstory.
By the way, is there anything more Canadian than falling in love
with a Walrus and wanting to pay homage to that?
By the way, is there anything more Canadian than falling in love
with a Walrus and wanting to pay homage to that?
56:37:Is it weird I can relate to Michael Parks more than Justin
Long in this film? What’s that? Oh, nothing nevermind. I didn’t
say anything.
Long in this film? What’s that? Oh, nothing nevermind. I didn’t
say anything.
57:00-58:00: Looks like me trying to get out of bed in the morning.
58:30: Aww, he’s cute!
59:00: Kevin Smith is pretty fucked up, huh?
1:01:Detective Frank Garmin is the best character ever. “Puts a BM
in the PMs coffee, eh?”
in the PMs coffee, eh?”
1:02: This is like Clockwork Orange meets We Bought a Zoo.
1:03:In all honesty, this must have been fun for Justin Long to
shoot like, okay I’ll go yell at Michael Parks as a Walrus.
And get paid to do it.
1:04: Is that Johnny fucking Depp?
shoot like, okay I’ll go yell at Michael Parks as a Walrus.
And get paid to do it.
1:04: Is that Johnny fucking Depp?
1:05: Okay, I'll say it. Best Johnny Depp character in years. Maybe ever. Ever.
1:10: Johnny Depp is single-handedly stealing and saving this film.
1:23: Who doesn’t learn everything about life from the Big Lebowski?
1:16: Johny Depp acting opposite his daughter is pretty cool. I
don’t care, it’s pretty cool.
don’t care, it’s pretty cool.
1:26:So he builds Walrus’s to fight them and when he hits his dream,the walrus he built will kill
him. Pretty sound logic.
1:27:There it is! Chip Chipperson shout out (Jim Norton) “I got a
big tusk just like an elephant.”
big tusk just like an elephant.”
1:28: What the fuck?!
1:29: There you go! Get it!
1:31:Alright, back to everyday normal life. Nothing weird to see
here.
here.
1:33:Just kidding, it’s a human walrus that they kept alive instead of doing him the favor and
shooting him in the fucking face.
Also, what the fuck does she want from him? He’s been through a bit of a time here. If he wants to grunt and eat fish, let the
man/walrus grunt and eat fish for fuck’s sake.
Also, what the fuck does she want from him? He’s been through a bit of a time here. If he wants to grunt and eat fish, let the
man/walrus grunt and eat fish for fuck’s sake.
1:35:Well that was weird as fuck. I’m going to go take a shower now so I can feel clean again.
Review and General Shenanigans
Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch
@sandwichhanisch
stevehanisch1@gmail.com
