Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Raiders Of The Lost Shark Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Year:​ ​2015
Directed​ ​By:​ ​Scott Patrick...but did you really even want to know that? Does he even want his name attached to this?
Tagline​: “Four friends set out by boat for an idyllic vacation on a private, remote island. But unknown to them, a weaponized shark has escaped from a top secret military lab nearby, a shark that was genetically engineered with hate in its blood, and programmed to hunt any human within range. Now, these friends must band together to battle an all new brand of predator who will stop at nothing to remain at the top of the food chain.”

Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: N/A 
IMDb​ ​Rating​: 1.6/10 If ratings were the creed in which we lived our lives by, then a 1.6 on the IMDb scale would be legendarily awful. Maybe it’s my love for bad movies that dragged me in, or perhaps my love of Harrison Ford (Raiders of the Lost Ark, get it? GET IT?!) or perhaps it is my love for shark movies that sucked me in. Whatever the case may be, I believe this to be the best, worst decision I have made in a long while.

From the opening title scroll sequence to the ending credits, this movie is a piece of shit. But let us not dwell on the awfulness of this feature; let us enjoy the good moments. Wait. Does this count as a feature film? It’s only an hour long. The acting is horrendous, the writing is worse and the special effects would be terrible for forty years ago, the story has already been done (Deep Blue Sea, anyone?), I mean woof. There are infinite things I could be doing with my day. Like literally, infinite? If I stared at a blank screen, that would be a better use of my time. Diarrhea for these hour and ten minutes would be productive because at least I’d be getting the evil out instead of visually ingesting it. Whatever company or talent made this film, and I say talent just because I don’t know what else to call them, have never studied film, nay, have never even seen a film. And are definitely not adults. A twelve year old must have wrote and directed this. Does anyone know Scott Patrick? Do we know he’s definitely real or definitely an adult?

This is bottom of the barrel. I am now dumber for having seen it. Amazon is now shittier for letting this take up room in their video library. This could have been cut down to a twenty-minute short film that would be digestible. Perhaps the thing you most need to know about this “movie”? There are literally no reviews on Rotten Tomatoes for this. Like as in not one person has reviewed it. Not a critic, not a user. We just might be breaking ground here. I don’t know whether or not to be proud or embarrassed. I feel like I need to go take a shit. Purge this movie from my system.
I almost forgot, why is this called Raiders of the Lost Shark? It has nothing to do with mystical anything or searching for a historic artifact that could be linked to the shark or anything like that. It’s just a pun. Do not drag the Indiana Jones films through the mud like that, you mother fuckers. Needless to say, this is a movie to avoid. Unless you’re a Sharknado fan and get off on really horrendous cinema. Like superbly horrendous.

Plot​ ​Spoilers​ ​and​ ​Commentary​ ​Ahead

At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I watched. I hope you enjoy, read for a nice laugh. If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard this portion. However, if you are a serious film buff, then why the fuck are you watching this movie?

2:48​: I have not yet had anything clever to say. My first thought after this long into the film was “Jesus Christ, what have I done?”
3:20:​ Time to take your medicine” coming from this perverted fifty-something talking to a thirty, it feels, how you say, Cosby-esque.
3:30:​ “Best idea ever.” I feel quite the opposite, thank you very much.
6:28:​ “This isn’t so bad afterall.” I feel like all of these lines so far are just the writers and director talking to themselves in a mirror trying to not shoot themselves in the face.
7:45:​ METAL BRO! Badass theme song bruhhh. I feel like a 12 year old wrote this. I want girls and blood and rockin’ tunes in the intro!
10:00:​ Jesus Christ, none of my professors ever looked like that. Also, they could turn their volume levels down a tad. We peakin’ over here.
11:00:​ “That’s a big shark.” You loveable moron you.
11:45:​ It’s not a speech, it’s a lecture. If this is a college setting, it’s a lecture, not a speech. Like I said, 12 year old.
14:10:​ Whoa Momma” How about you show some fucking tit and give me one redeemable quality about this film?
14:30:​ No girl ever just chargers into a body of water by the way, they just lay on the beach and giggle and eek when going into the water. Just sayin’
15:00:​ Don’t say chicken! THe shark will just feed on the other white mea-oh too late.
15:15:​ ​Yes. The sense of urgency by doughboy. “Tracy!” Takes shirt off. Stumbles with one shoe. Stumbles with other shoe. “Tracy” Still on land, by the way. Great, great acting. Just, top notch stuff. FUCKING DIVE UNDERWATER. She went under, why would you stand shouting on top of the water. Maybe that’s why he’s a security guard. Next career move could be the DMV, AMIRIGHT?
16:00:​ Wow, impressive how a megalodon shark can 1) live in a lake and 2) creates not even a ripple in the water. Impressive.
17:40:​ Steven you lovable moron. 
19:00:​ That is not at all what I thought her voice would sound like. Sounds like Kristen Bell on helium.
19:58:​ ​lmao yes! Okay, stand here, we’re going to get a shot of your arm floating. We don’t have the budget for a fake arm or even a manikin arm, so you’re going to stand here and I’m going to horribly frame your arm on the shot. This is fucking garbage on top of garbage. Like, you don’t even have to go to film school to see all the things wrong with this “movie”.
20:30:​ ​How do they all have bathing suits on under their clothes? Show me the goods! Show dem boobies! C’mon now!
21:15:​ wait, now they have a fake arm? Why wouldn’t they just use that on the previous shot? Huh? What?
22:00:​ What kind of shark sound was that? Generic beast sound in audacity I’m guessing. God this is awful. Can I this anymore? Is anyone reading this? ANYONE? HELP! I’m trapped in an abyss.
23:40:​ When did Foghorn Leghorn turn into a human male?
24:00:​ He still jerks off to National Geographic magazines? Ape lady edition, am I right?
25:00:​ Was that a still image cutaway? Good god. This might be the cheapest film ever made.
26:00:​ “You’ve been watching too many bad movies” HA! That’s funny oh that’s funny because this is a bad movie!
27:00:​ Identify the problem. Lady, fucking four people are dead. There’s your problem.
28:00:​ ​Look, it’s this movies version of quint! Captain Stubing, really? Why is he Scottish? Why is he wearing a wool sweater in the summer? But seriously, we’ve found the best actor this movie has to offer. Finally. Not good, just the best in this movie. I’ve seriously made better shorts in college than this piece of shit. Just a quick aside. Carry on.
31:04:​ “Don’t I deserve nice things?” Judging from your tattoos, you’re not use to nice things. So. No.
32:11:​ TITS! TIT ALERT! But okay, this scene is far too long. She’s repeated the same water dance three times. Good, there you shark. The husbands reaction is the first good idea for a joke I’ve seen yet.
37:00:​ What is this place? This is Rodney.” Like, you can’t write worse than this. You literally can’t. You can’t try to be this bad. You can’t. I refuse to accept this as a piece of cinema that exists.
39:00:​ You know what, Steve from Smash Mouth as a Scottish Pirate is my favorite character. As shitty and over the top as he is, that’s what he’s supposed to be. Still not good, far from it, but he’d probably benefit from a, well, real production.
40:00:​ How many fucking times are we going to see couples get killed? WE GET IT. There’s a fucking shark. We. Fucking. Get. It. “What’s your problem tough guy?” “My problem is, I’m out of focus and blurry because for some reason this is the only angle they could figure out for my reverse shots to this conversation. That’s my problem.”
41:00:​ “Flying shark? FLYYYIINNGGG SHAARRRKKK!” To me, that’s on par with “You’re tearing me apart Lisa! Oh hi, Mark.”
41:30:​ ​What is this, the 80s? It’s okay to show a news report that’s not fucking tracking on a VHS tape. I...I just can’t anymore. I have to watch this and brood. I have no more witty remarks. This movie has drained me of my lifeforce.

Review & General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

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