Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Raiders Of The Lost Shark Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



Raiders of the Lost Shark

Year:​ ​2015
Directed​ ​By:​ ​Scott Patrick...but did you really even want to know that? Does he even want his name attached to this?
Tagline​: “Four friends set out by boat for an idyllic vacation on a private, remote island. But unknown to them, a weaponized shark has escaped from a top secret military lab nearby, a shark that was genetically engineered with hate in its blood, and programmed to hunt any human within range. Now, these friends must band together to battle an all new brand of predator who will stop at nothing to remain at the top of the food chain.”

Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: N/A 
IMDb​ ​Rating​: 1.6/10 If ratings were the creed in which we lived our lives by, then a 1.6 on the IMDb scale would be legendarily awful. Maybe it’s my love for bad movies that dragged me in, or perhaps my love of Harrison Ford (Raiders of the Lost Ark, get it? GET IT?!) or perhaps it is my love for shark movies that sucked me in. Whatever the case may be, I believe this to be the best, worst decision I have made in a long while.

From the opening title scroll sequence to the ending credits, this movie is a piece of shit. But let us not dwell on the awfulness of this feature; let us enjoy the good moments. Wait. Does this count as a feature film? It’s only an hour long. The acting is horrendous, the writing is worse and the special effects would be terrible for forty years ago, the story has already been done (Deep Blue Sea, anyone?), I mean woof. There are infinite things I could be doing with my day. Like literally, infinite? If I stared at a blank screen, that would be a better use of my time. Diarrhea for these hour and ten minutes would be productive because at least I’d be getting the evil out instead of visually ingesting it. Whatever company or talent made this film, and I say talent just because I don’t know what else to call them, have never studied film, nay, have never even seen a film. And are definitely not adults. A twelve year old must have wrote and directed this. Does anyone know Scott Patrick? Do we know he’s definitely real or definitely an adult?

This is bottom of the barrel. I am now dumber for having seen it. Amazon is now shittier for letting this take up room in their video library. This could have been cut down to a twenty-minute short film that would be digestible. Perhaps the thing you most need to know about this “movie”? There are literally no reviews on Rotten Tomatoes for this. Like as in not one person has reviewed it. Not a critic, not a user. We just might be breaking ground here. I don’t know whether or not to be proud or embarrassed. I feel like I need to go take a shit. Purge this movie from my system.
I almost forgot, why is this called Raiders of the Lost Shark? It has nothing to do with mystical anything or searching for a historic artifact that could be linked to the shark or anything like that. It’s just a pun. Do not drag the Indiana Jones films through the mud like that, you mother fuckers. Needless to say, this is a movie to avoid. Unless you’re a Sharknado fan and get off on really horrendous cinema. Like superbly horrendous.

Plot​ ​Spoilers​ ​and​ ​Commentary​ ​Ahead

At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I watched. I hope you enjoy, read for a nice laugh. If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard this portion. However, if you are a serious film buff, then why the fuck are you watching this movie?

2:48​: I have not yet had anything clever to say. My first thought after this long into the film was “Jesus Christ, what have I done?”
3:20:​ Time to take your medicine” coming from this perverted fifty-something talking to a thirty, it feels, how you say, Cosby-esque.
3:30:​ “Best idea ever.” I feel quite the opposite, thank you very much.
6:28:​ “This isn’t so bad afterall.” I feel like all of these lines so far are just the writers and director talking to themselves in a mirror trying to not shoot themselves in the face.
7:45:​ METAL BRO! Badass theme song bruhhh. I feel like a 12 year old wrote this. I want girls and blood and rockin’ tunes in the intro!
10:00:​ Jesus Christ, none of my professors ever looked like that. Also, they could turn their volume levels down a tad. We peakin’ over here.
11:00:​ “That’s a big shark.” You loveable moron you.
11:45:​ It’s not a speech, it’s a lecture. If this is a college setting, it’s a lecture, not a speech. Like I said, 12 year old.
14:10:​ Whoa Momma” How about you show some fucking tit and give me one redeemable quality about this film?
14:30:​ No girl ever just chargers into a body of water by the way, they just lay on the beach and giggle and eek when going into the water. Just sayin’
15:00:​ Don’t say chicken! THe shark will just feed on the other white mea-oh too late.
15:15:​ ​Yes. The sense of urgency by doughboy. “Tracy!” Takes shirt off. Stumbles with one shoe. Stumbles with other shoe. “Tracy” Still on land, by the way. Great, great acting. Just, top notch stuff. FUCKING DIVE UNDERWATER. She went under, why would you stand shouting on top of the water. Maybe that’s why he’s a security guard. Next career move could be the DMV, AMIRIGHT?
16:00:​ Wow, impressive how a megalodon shark can 1) live in a lake and 2) creates not even a ripple in the water. Impressive.
17:40:​ Steven you lovable moron. 
19:00:​ That is not at all what I thought her voice would sound like. Sounds like Kristen Bell on helium.
19:58:​ ​lmao yes! Okay, stand here, we’re going to get a shot of your arm floating. We don’t have the budget for a fake arm or even a manikin arm, so you’re going to stand here and I’m going to horribly frame your arm on the shot. This is fucking garbage on top of garbage. Like, you don’t even have to go to film school to see all the things wrong with this “movie”.
20:30:​ ​How do they all have bathing suits on under their clothes? Show me the goods! Show dem boobies! C’mon now!
21:15:​ wait, now they have a fake arm? Why wouldn’t they just use that on the previous shot? Huh? What?
22:00:​ What kind of shark sound was that? Generic beast sound in audacity I’m guessing. God this is awful. Can I just...not...do this anymore? Is anyone reading this? ANYONE? HELP! I’m trapped in an abyss.
23:40:​ When did Foghorn Leghorn turn into a human male?
24:00:​ He still jerks off to National Geographic magazines? Ape lady edition, am I right?
25:00:​ Was that a still image cutaway? Good god. This might be the cheapest film ever made.
26:00:​ “You’ve been watching too many bad movies” HA! That’s funny oh that’s funny because this is a bad movie!
27:00:​ Identify the problem. Lady, fucking four people are dead. There’s your problem.
28:00:​ ​Look, it’s this movies version of quint! Captain Stubing, really? Why is he Scottish? Why is he wearing a wool sweater in the summer? But seriously, we’ve found the best actor this movie has to offer. Finally. Not good, just the best in this movie. I’ve seriously made better shorts in college than this piece of shit. Just a quick aside. Carry on.
31:04:​ “Don’t I deserve nice things?” Judging from your tattoos, you’re not use to nice things. So. No.
32:11:​ TITS! TIT ALERT! But okay, this scene is far too long. She’s repeated the same water dance three times. Good, there you shark. The husbands reaction is the first good idea for a joke I’ve seen yet.
37:00:​ What is this place? This is Rodney.” Like, you can’t write worse than this. You literally can’t. You can’t try to be this bad. You can’t. I refuse to accept this as a piece of cinema that exists.
39:00:​ You know what, Steve from Smash Mouth as a Scottish Pirate is my favorite character. As shitty and over the top as he is, that’s what he’s supposed to be. Still not good, far from it, but he’d probably benefit from a, well, real production.
40:00:​ How many fucking times are we going to see couples get killed? WE GET IT. There’s a fucking shark. We. Fucking. Get. It. “What’s your problem tough guy?” “My problem is, I’m out of focus and blurry because for some reason this is the only angle they could figure out for my reverse shots to this conversation. That’s my problem.”
41:00:​ “Flying shark? FLYYYIINNGGG SHAARRRKKK!” To me, that’s on par with “You’re tearing me apart Lisa! Oh hi, Mark.”
41:30:​ ​What is this, the 80s? It’s okay to show a news report that’s not fucking tracking on a VHS tape. I...I just can’t anymore. I have to watch this and brood. I have no more witty remarks. This movie has drained me of my lifeforce.

Review & General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Tales Of The Damned: Into The Light By John Farman & Thomas Crielly



Into The Light
Written by John Farman
Art By Thomas Crielly

Terror Files: Is It All Just Bullsh!t? Trailer



New mini documentary series heading to the TFM YouTube channel and podcast very soon!

In this series, along with a host of experts & guests, I will jump down the rabbit-hole on some of the most out-there conspiracy theories on the internet.

Join me for the fun very soon.

Music by Mattia Cupelli

Find out more about his music @

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ITunes
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Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Annabelle: Creation Review By Steve "Sandwich" Hanisch




Year:​ ​2017 
Directed​ ​By:​ ​David F. Sandberg 
Tagline​: “Twelve years after the tragic death of their little girl, a dollmaker and his wife welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home, soon becoming the target of the dollmaker's possessed creation, Annabelle.” 
Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: 67% IMDb​ ​Rating​: 7.1/10

If you know me, you know I can’t stay away from the Conjuring Universe. Coming are reviews of the rest of the films but recently I saw Annabelle: Creation. Boy oh boy was there not a lot of actual sleeping going on last night for me. And I don’t mean that in any sort of sexual innuendo, more like cuddled up to the dog all night with the lights on. 

Usually sequels are less than stellar in comparison to the original. Spinoffs are in the same boat. But spinoff sequels? Well. Are there any good ones? Especially in the horror world? Well. The buck stops here. Every single movie in the Conjuring Universe has scared the piss out of me and Annabelle: Creation is no different. Coming in at a cool hour-fifty, it feels like an eternity. While at some moments they feed into some typical horror scares, most of the time, the unexpected happens. Every moment is tense, every scare leaves you breathless. I had pit stains after twenty minutes of the film. Fifteen of those minutes were set-up too. 

Dialogue is what it is in this film, that was the only thing I thought was a little cringe-worthy and predictable. But, I don’t know about you, I don’t go to watch horror films for the dialogue. I do enjoy the fact that this was an origin story and it feeds nicely at the end into the rest of the franchise. It’s technically a prequel to the prequel spinoff which is a unique idea. If you want scares, you got scares baby. It’s a good horror film. I don’t want to spoil too much since it’s a brand new film, I won’t do the minute by minute jokes I typically do because I want you to experience it pure without any spoilers about anything. 

The one thing I will spoil is there’s another spinoff movie coming out at some point for another character in the Conjuring Universe so stay for the post-credit scene afterwards. That one is going to be absolutely terrifying. I would say I side with IMDb more than Rotten Tomatoes, though like usual they sum it up pretty well: “Annabelle: Creation adds another strong chapter to the Conjuring franchise - and offers further proof that freaky-looking dolls remain reliably terrifying.” Both gave the film good scores, I feel they could have been even a little higher. I have no idea who’s watching this and going, “Meh, it was okay.” I call bullshit on that guy or gal. I was very happy with how good it was, typically by the time you get this far out from the original film that inspired this movie, you’re starting to stretch for ideas and scares. 


However, leave it to these filmmakers to keep us nice and petrified. Including yours truly. So go, enjoy looking at any and all dolls after this one and all the things that creak and go bump in the night. 






Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 
Website 
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Friday, 18 August 2017

Terror Firma Podcast: Zombiefied An Interview With TW Brown







On this week's episode I had the privilege to sit down with one of the best indie authors on the planet today Mr. TW Brown. 

Brown is the maestro behind the DEAD series, That Ghoul Ava and Zomblog. 

Check him out at these links:

Website
Facebook
Twitter
Amazon

Terror Firma TV Episode 6




On this week's episode I had the privilege to sit down with one of the best indie authors on the planet today Mr. TW Brown. 

Brown is the maestro behind the DEAD series, That Ghoul Ava and Zomblog. 

Check him out at these links:

Website
Facebook
Twitter
Amazon

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Tusk Review By Steve "Sandwich" Hanisch



TUSK

Year: ​2014
Written and Directed By: ​Kevin Smith
Starring:​ Justin Long, Michael Parks, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez and Johnny Depp

Tagline: “When insult comic podcaster Wallace Bryton goes missing in the backwoods of Manitoba while interviewing mysterious seafarer 
named Howard Howe, his best friend Teddy and girlfriend Allison 
team with an ex-cop to look for him.”

Rotten Tomatoes Score​: 41% IMDb Rating​: 5.4/10

‘Intrigued’ would be the word I would use to describe my pick of this film. Written and directed by Kevin Smith and starring Justin 
Long along with Michael Parks and Haley Joel Osment and Johnny 
Depp? 

Yeah, okay, you got me. Despite the ho-hum reviews, threw all 
logic and reason aside and plunged ahead anyway like the brave 
explorer I am! Well. If you choose to follow the same idea 
I had, I would say maybe don’t instead. This was by far, the 
strangest, weirdest film I’ve seen in a long time. 

It’s like Human Centipede with a couple of laughs and more famous actors. Not that Human Centipede wasn’t a knee-slapper of hilarity in its own right… 

If you can get past the plot, overall weirdness and stomach-churning visuals, it’s definitely a different, interesting 
concept for a film. Leave it to the mind of Kevin Smith to take you on this ridiculous ride. The visuals are, as described, intense. The extreme camera angles, length of shots and time he holds on those 
shots, it all adds to the uneasiness of the film. From an audio perspective, I very much enjoyed this maybe most of all. In the 
beginning, the sound adds to the intensity, like any good, old-fashioned horror film. However, somewhere around the time things start to get ridiculous, so does the soundtrack, as if to tell you, ‘hey, it’s okay to feel weird and have a laugh or two. 

Let’s get weird.’ The music becomes a punchline. Playing “Tusk” by 
Fleetwood Mac or generic french music for the Detective from 
Quebec, Guy Lapointe, it’s pretty obvious that Kevin Smith took 
this on knowing full well what he was creating. Even if the audience doesn't quite have any idea. 

If in fact his hashtags for #WalrusNo beat out #WalrusYes, I fully 
believe he would have dropped the idea entirely. He’s that kind 
of guy. For better or worse. 

All the love and respect I have for Kevin Smith aside, this film waslargely a one-note joke that was taken all the way. An hour and 
forty minutes for this film is an eternity in this world. Parts were enjoyable and I’m not joking when I say Johnny Depp absolutely stole the show and saved this film for me. 
All in all, I didn’t expect much and I didn’t get much. For that 
fact, I can’t hate it as it was well done, the acting, while 
ridiculous, was solid and believe it or not, there were laughs. I’d tend to side with the ratings that exist out there, Rotten Tomatoes
pretty much nails it with their tag, “Tusk is pleasantly ridiculous
and charmingly self-deprecating, but that isn't enough to compensate for its thin, overstretched story.” Bottom line being, if you’re a huge Kevin Smith fan, then go right on ahead. 

If you’re not, then not seeing this film might actually be the best decision you’ll make today. And again, for real, the best comedic
Johnny Depp performance I’ve ever seen is in this movie. Not 
even kidding. Seriously. I’m not crazy! What’s that, Mr. Tusk? I’ll be right there! Sorry, guys, gotta go feed my walrus.

Not an innuendo. Plot Spoilers and Commentary Ahead At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I 
watched. I hope you enjoy, read for nice laugh. 
If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard 
this portion.

2:00​: Looks like podcasters having a ball. Looks like The Ranting and 
Raving Podcast. #CheapPlug

3:30: That’s the guy from Epic Meal time! Anyone? Anyone? Just me? 
Okay then.

7:00: How much money can they possibly pull down per podcast 
episode? He flies round trip every week? If anything, this will be 
the least feasible thing in the entire film.

8:30​: Ah-ha, there you go. The weird jump into this weird world. 
A handwritten letter from a weird old Canadian man promising 
“stories”. Ever go to boy scouts and watch the molester warning video? Probably #1 on the list.

9:00​: “I hate American guys.” Yeah, me too sweetheart.

11:00: Why wasn’t “Tusk” by Fleetwood Mac in the soundtrack? Maybe 
that’s why I’m not a good filmmaker, because have terrible ideas 
like that. *Update, they actually used the majority of their budget to acquire the rights to use this song. Maybe I’m not so 
stupid after all, eh!”

11:24​: Hello Michael Parks! And hello creepy character he plays.

15:20:“I’m a podcaster. What on Earth is that?” Every interaction 
I’ve ever had with a person over 50.

21:36: This is the old stories no one ever listened to from their 
grandparents. Who thinks to make a movie of this?

23:00​: I’m already tired of Justin Long’s reactions and over-the-top character. Already. Only an hour and ten to go.

25:17:OH FUCK! Mr. Tusk! Does that mean something? I hope so. This 
is already too artsy for me.

25:46:And I spoke too soon. As usual. Justin Long is drugged as 
fuck. Michael Parks about to get his rape on. But in fairness. 
He deserves this. Who would go do this by himself?

27:31: “Making fun of this poor guy on your show is vicious.” 
Vicious is blue-balling on purpose Ms. Lady.

32:00: Ever had a blowjob so intense you woke up a paraplegic? 
Justin Long has.

34:30​: That escalated quickly. And how poetic.

36:00​: That’s a dark sense of humor from Michael Parks. Love it.

40:15: Oh shit! He walks and bitch slaps! Not great at nursery rhymes though.

41:30​: Weird fetish bruh. 

43:00​: Michael Parks is unhinged!

44:40:​ That’s absolutely Haley Joel Osment's hand.

45:14:​ What the actual fuck is going on here?

47:00:They make Justin Long’s character so shitty in order to not 
feel bad for what’s happening to him. Classic Turning-A-Human-Into-A-Walrus tactics.

50:20​: Called it. HJO fucks.

50:35: ​Walrus dick bone is gone! Next stop. Justin Long’s asshole.

51:37: ​Who sleeps like that?

53:07: ​Oh this isn’t going to be pretty. Probably looks like me.

54:40:His backstory sounds like a dark, Canadian Batman backstory. 
By the way, is there anything more Canadian than falling in love 
with a Walrus and wanting to pay homage to that?

56:37:Is it weird I can relate to Michael Parks more than Justin 
Long in this film? What’s that? Oh, nothing nevermind. didn’t 
say anything.

57:00-58:00: ​Looks like me trying to get out of bed in the morning.

58:30:​ Aww, he’s cute!

59:00:​ Kevin Smith is pretty fucked up, huh?

1:01:Detective Frank Garmin is the best character ever. “Puts a BM 
in the PMs coffee, eh?”

1:02: ​This is like Clockwork Orange meets We Bought a Zoo.

1:03:In all honesty, this must have been fun for Justin Long to 
shoot like, okay I’ll go yell at Michael Parks as Walrus.
And get paid to do it. 

1:04: ​Is that Johnny fucking Depp?

1:05: Okay, I'll say it. Best Johnny Depp character in years. Maybe ever. Ever.

1:10: ​Johnny Depp is single-handedly stealing and saving this film.

1:23: ​Who doesn’t learn everything about life from the Big Lebowski?

1:16: Johny Depp acting opposite his daughter is pretty cool. I 
don’t care, it’s pretty cool.

1:26:So he builds Walrus’s to fight them and when he hits his dream,the walrus he built will kill him. Pretty sound logic.

1:27:There it is! Chip Chipperson shout out (Jim Norton) “I got a 
big tusk just like an elephant.”

1:28: ​What the fuck?!

1:29: ​There you go! Get it!

1:31:Alright, back to everyday normal life. Nothing weird to see 
here.

1:33:Just kidding, it’s a human walrus that they kept alive instead of doing him the favor and shooting him in the fucking face. 
Also, what the fuck does she want from him? He’s been through a bit of a time here. If he wants to grunt and eat fish, let the 
man/walrus grunt and eat fish for fuck’s sake.

1:35:Well that was weird as fuck. I’m going to go take a shower now so I can feel clean again.








Review and General Shenanigans 
Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch
www.stevehanisch1.com 
@sandwichhanisch 
stevehanisch1@gmail.com

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

On Terror Firma TV & Podcast This Week





On Terror Firma TV and Terror Firma podcast this week I am joined by Todd (TW) Brown who is the author of the DEAD series, That Ghoul Ava, and the Zomblog series. He is also the editor for May December Publications with numerous anthologies to his credit as well as the full length works of authors such as Mark Tufo, John O' Brien, Chantal Boudreau, Robert Dean, and Heath

Stallcup.

You can begin your search of his available titles here: http://www.amazon.com/TW-Brown/e/B00363NQI6 or get even more in tune by visiting his blog: http://authortwbrown.com/


And if you are interested in GOING SOLAR...then get started here: http://share.solarcity.com/authortwbrown

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

It Follows Review By Steve "Sandwich" Hanisch






IT FOLLOWS


It Follows Tagline:

 “A young woman is followed by an unknown supernatural force 
after a sexual encounter.” 
Rotten Tomatoes Score​: 97% IMDb Rating​: 6.9/10 

Starting off with ominous music from the get go, It Follows opens with a gripping 
image of a girl in white running from her home in a circular continuous shot (note to reader, the author has an undying love for continous shots). Before long, we’re staring at said girl in white, 
dead on a beach in spectacularly gross fashion. What the flying fuck is going on out here? It Follows is that rare horror movie that knows how long to hold shots to give us a 
sense of suspense and uneaseiness and really deliver on its promise. The sound design gives us a throwback feel mixed with modern day audio anxiety. It really gets you to delve into your own head and unleash issues from within. Shot framing and sound design are paramount to any halfway decent horror film and they nailed it. Shot in mostly wide angle, it forces our eyes to dart 
around the scene looking for anything out of place. Once again, it goes back to us. It forces us to look around and notice what’s wrong, which much like the characters, can be a problem. The film knows how to keep us gripped with enough mystery and vagueness without giving too much away. The worst thing you can do in a horror movie or monster movie is 
reveal the “It” too early. Well, they certainly took that to heart. Even after we know what’s going 
on, there’s this overall sense of non-control. Even in victory of doing what we need to do, we’re still never quite sure if it’ll come back for us. Quite a literal translation into life, no? We can only 
control so much, the rest is totally out of our hands. The director stated this is based on a recurring 
dream he used to have as a child where something was following him in the distance, always slowly. 
First off, what a terrifying dream to have as a child. Secondly, that would explain the pacing and overall feel of the film. Like a bad dream. Marvelously well carried out. It Follows is one of those films you’ll throw on, because it’s on Netflix and it’s got a 
good rating, a rare accomplishment. But, you’ll be quite pleased with it. It’s tense. It’s 
suspenseful. It keeps you invested, even if it at times feels a little like a student film. But with that, the concept of a student film doesn’t come through. It’s actually quite a good, modern take on an 
old-style of “promiscuous teens end up dead”. I very much enjoyed It Follows, it’s only an hour and forty minutes, but with the pacing and slow nature of the film, you feel full at the end of it. And scared. I believe I would tend to agree more with the IMDb rating in this case, probably 
somewhere around a 7.5/10 for me. 97% for Rotten Tomatoes, to me, says instant classic. I don’t believe this is that. However, I do believe it accomplished what it set out to and more so. When your budget is only 1.3 million dollars (grossed over 20 million in theatrical release) and you 
construct a very good film such as this, you’ve won. Congratulations for beating the juggernaut movie 
studios and their formulaic franchises. It Follows is indicative of the budget it was founded on. It’s a 
lean, mean, unbending supernatural thriller with enough umph to keep you entertained and 
uneasy all the way. Plot Spoilers and Commentary Ahead At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I watched. I hope 
you enjoy, read for a nice laugh instead of being paralyzed in fear. I was watching this 
film just typing away on my little computer in my dark basement. If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard this portion.

1:00: 
Annie, are you okay? Im fine, Dad You most assuredly will not 
be fine, Annie. 

3:00: 
Shes giving her last will and testament on the phone. What a 
mature and yet lazy way to go out. 

5:20​: 
Going out with that guy? You dirty birdy. 

7:30​: 
Fart Girl ftw! 

9:30​: 
Could have sworn he would be all hunky-hunky about it and say Me, because theres no one else Id rather be with than you. Would have bet money on it. 
Guess thats why Im broke. 

11:00: 
Young Stud Mcgillicutty points out the Girl in the Yellow Dress. Ourmain character, Jay, says she doesnt see her. Hear that sound? Thats the sound of my 
assshole puckering up. You know immediately some supernatural fisticuffs are going to go down. So, if fucking gets you killed. Then this guy, who was already 
haunted, fucking Jay basically its the paranormal version of knowingly giving someone an STD 
without them knowing. Its Spooky Gonorrhea. Side note: Hunka-Hunka-Burnin Love Stud-Muffin Guy makes arguably the most passive (and in turn worst) orgasm Ive ever seen in a film (not those 
kinds of films, you animal). He didnt even react. We are left assuming the awkward teenage encounter in the car is over just by them going to the next scene. Whatever. Theres much more to be 
dissected in the film than this, but, thats what you get from me as an author. 

17:00: 
minutes in, oh fuck! Stud Muffin just chloroformed the shit out 
of Jay. Well. That escalated quickly. 

20:00​: 
Expository dialogue to the max. 

22:00​: 
its very slow but its not dumb So, its...me? 

23:00​: 
Dumped half-naked on the sidewalk. How everyone one of my Saturday night
end. AMIRIGHT?! 

28:30: 
This old woman walks like I do after sitting down for too long. 

29:40: 
Okay, look, I know its some kind of demonic force or something, 
butwouldn't you just try at this point out of fear or anxiety to just take a swing? I would. Andthats why a horror movie starring me would last roughly 2-4 minutes* *My longest bedroom conquest* 

31:00: 
Drowning your sorrows in ice cream. Jays got a lot more in common with me than I thought. 

32:00: 
Paul, I admire your attitude, but you will never get the ladies 
withthat nice guy thing you got going on. Im assuming you will be dead. Very soon. 

34:00: 
GET IT PAUL. Actually. She cant. Because then youd be dead Paul. But Id bet that youd be more than willing to die for that poon. Wouldnt you, Paul? 

35:00: 
I understand the cinematic point of this conversation, but it
donejust horribly. Theyre talking like theyre being interviewed and are relaying it to a 
third party. 

37:00: 
It doesnt matter if Paul goes to check, HE WONT SEE ANYONE THERE ANYWAY, REMEMBER JAY?! Wait, so, this thing is super slow but also super smart, right? So why the fuck would it warn Jay it was coming by shattering a window? 

38:00​: 
Hello good lookin 

40:00: 
theres something wrong with me yeah, youre toying with Paul
feelings you bitch! 

40:30:​ 
Thats a big bitch 

43:40: 
And this is the guy Paul will battle his whole life. Guys like 
this get the girl Paul. Except his name is Greg. Not exactly intimidating. 

48:30​: 
Paul just casually flipping through a nudie mag. Atta boy. 

49:00: 
wait so Hugh/Jeff you only went one town over to fuck someone and in essence kill them? Thats straight up lazy right there. Jeff Fredman? Is real name 
should absolutely be the alias name. 

53:14: 
So Jeff/Hugh, whatever you awful fake name is, you got this from a one night stand at a bar? But youre all sitting in a circle drinking cola from a can with 
straws? I call bullshit 

53:38: 
Fart Girl has what appears to be a very underrated set of 
knockers. 

54:50: 
LMAO have you thought about what he said Paul immediately wakes up. This dude is thirsty for some Jay. Like even if it means DEATH. Hes like yeah, Id tap that. Thats men for ya. 

56:00: 
its not super nice, but its cool Greg, you humble bastard. Id punch a puppy in the face for a lake house like that. 

57:00: 
Yeah, dont take a swing, but shooting it. Yeah, thatll work. 
Shooting a thing no one else can see. For sure. 

59:00: 
Granted, its a common way to face a body of water, but if a demonic-possession was after you, would you not have your back to the lake and face the land? Where that thing comes from? No? Just me? 

59:30​: 
Paul took a hit! 

1:00:00: 
It is at this moment, Greg is fed up with this idea of becoming 
involved in any way, shape or form. Guys! Youre ruining my shitty, but not shitty lake house my parents own! God!

1:01:​ 
Apparently it can hiss. So theres that. 

1:02:30​: 
Theyre called brakes, Jay. Brakes. 

1:05:45: 
I know Greg is being a big man here. In more ways than one (ehh 
ehhhh) but I still feel for Paul. Because I was Paul. Except fatter and a worse temper. I know this hasnt happened, that weve seen, but do you think 
that thing ever caught one of them while having sex with the next person? Like do they 
celebrate the 2-1 scenario like a double play in baseball and then keep rolling on their merry way? Also, does it count if you pull out and finish? Just wondering 
how specific and tedious this demonic being is. 

1:06: 
Oh, Greg FUCKS. Greg gets around. Hes the guy you want on your 
team for this premise. 

1:07: 
At this point, Pauls gotta grow some balls. Hes straight up fondling your woman. Killer thing aside, and aside from the fact he doesnt know they boned, Cmon 
man! Oh and btw, its real Greg. And its coming for you.

1:08:
Where are all the parents in this film? Ive seen one and her back was turned and you didnt even see her face. Way to show an interest fam. 

1:12: 
What an OCD demonic presence. Its like yeah bitch, I know I gotta kill you, but first I gotta knock on this door 37 times, kill Greg and THEN Ill kill you. I 
cannot fathom doing it the other way around. btw, GREG YOU FUCKING ROOKIE. 

1:13​: 
Looks like youre up to bat again, Jay. 

1:14: 
What if you go into the middle of the ocean? Or a lake? Or an 
island? Or a boat. Nice. Way ahead of me, Jay. 

1:15: 
Oh LMAO a boat with 3 dudes, there you go you slut you. Way to 
step up to the plate and battle.

1:16​: 
Its Paul...WIFF MAH DICK 

1:18​: 
Oh that's cold, Jay 

1:19​: 
Despite the cock block, Paul is still thinking like a genius. 

1:20:10: 
Me on a good Saturday night. Also, I respect the dedication to 
not being dedicated to trimming that bush. 
1:21: Does this take place in Detroit? Go figure this is where 
this demon ends up. In fucking Detroit.

1:22: 
at this point, no parents around, no one manning the public 
swimming pool and leaving it open to kids at all hours of the night while setting up 
electrical equipment is of no shock to me. Because. Detroit logic.

1:23:30: 
Im fairly certain theres not electrical outlets on the pool deck that low like right by the water. Right? I would prefer to believe people wouldnt not be 
that stupid. 

1:24: 
I picture a father coming home and being like where the fuck is all my shit? And the drunk mom, who we saw drinking wine in one scene, is just like oh 
sweety the kids took it to a pool, they were going to electrocute a monster or something. I don
remember. Its cute how they all still play together! 

1:27: 
Slow but not stupid, REMEMBER JAY?! Also, wait, when Paul asks 
what she sees and says I dont want to tell you, insinuating its hideous and scary. It
just a guy in a wife-beater. Its not that bad. Cmon now. *At this point, Steve has regressed to just 
defending his current appearance* 

1:28​: 
Nice fastball demon! 

1:28:58​: 
THATS A HEAD SHOT 

1:29:05: 
Awful form. If youre going to hatch this plan, brush up on your 
strokes will you? That was essentially a doggy paddle. Not freestyle. How you going to out-swim the undead like that? 

1:30:35: 
Okay, look, if youre going to do that, you dont do it from pointblank tha close. You go up to the edge like youre on the side of a cliff and then look, keeping your weight back. 

1:31:19​: 
GET IT PAUL! GET IT BOYYYYYY!

1:33 
Do you feel any different? No, do you? YEAH, I BANGED YOU! DUH! Imean, um, no. Nope. Not really. 

1:33:48: 
GET IT PAUL! GET IT BOY! Ahem, pay for it Paul, pay for it boy! 
But that actually the smartest thing to do, right? Because prostitute-ahem-whores will fuck a bunch of other dudes who will then bang a bunch of other whores, etc. Perfect solution! 

1:34:40: 
This is what I mean, you get the girl, you hatch a plan to fuck awhore and then she gazes lovingly at you afterwards? Paul, you got it all my friend. 

1:35​: 
Theyre both wearing white. This cant be good. 

1:35:21​: 
oh fuck. Definitely not good. Ah sweet ending, I see what you did there. It never ends, the 
fucking never stops. Just like life. Except, in mother Russia, life fucks you!








~ Steve "Sandwich" Hanisch


@sandwichhanisch
@rantingpodcast