Friday, 10 November 2017

The Boy Movie Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



The Boy
Year: 2016
Directed By: William Brent Bell
Written By: Stacey Menear Starring: Lauren Cohan, Rupert Evans, Jim Norton, James Russell and Diana Hardcastle
Tagline: “An American nanny is shocked that her new English family’s boy is actually a life-sized doll. After she violates a list of strict rules, disturbing events make her believe that the doll is really alive.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 27%
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10

Well. That was underwhelming. Not that I really expected that much from the movie anyway, but damn. You’d think a premise where a creepy doll in an old British house playing tricks on Maggie from The Walking Dead would have some redeemable moments. The most redeemable part was when Greta (Lauren Cohan) was wearing a pyjama shirt with no bra on underneath. All general perviness aside though, the doll, Brahms, was not creepy, in fact he was polished and shiny all the fucking time and always wore a suit and never did anything crazy. Like at all. He never even did anything to create a fever pitch which forced Greta to follow the rules. Like, he fucking served her dinner and she was like, oh, I better listen to the rules! What? Huh? Slappy from the 2015 rendition of Goosebumps voiced by Jack Black was scarier.
I imagine that the creators of this saw what a success The Conjuring, The Conjuring 2 and both Annabelle movies were and went, “Hmm. We should do a doll movie. And we should cast Maggie from The Walking Dead, people still like that show, right?” Sorry, sirs and madam’s, wrong on both accounts. It was a sloppy delve into Greta’s backstory, doesn’t even really explain how she got in touch and out to Britain in the first place to baby-sit a doll to escape her murderous-rage-filled boyfriend. Somehow wanted to throw in that plot point so Lauren could actually show acting chops in it maybe? Also, plot twist, turns out Brahms is human and alive! Got a Freddy Krueger thing going on, but he’s there. No idea how the fuck he ran around the entire fucking house that easily during the rest of the film and for a guy who lives in dust and walls and skinny as an AIDS patient, he’s got a Jason strength going on when he kills the boyfriend and knocks the other British fucker right out. How? No explanation? Alllllrighty then.
It’s also never explained why Brahms stopped mentally aging past an eight-year-old and why his parents were fine with the fact that he was like straight up living in the walls instead of, you know, in the living room and shit. Like one day after the house fire Brahms is like, “Mom, Dad, I’m going to live in the walls and you will take care of this doll that has my spirit in it, okay? I also want a doll face mask to match.” And they were like, “Cheerio old lad, not a bugga.” (I assume that’s how they would talk). Then apparently they got really fucking depressed about it twenty-some-years later and instead of evicting or even attempting to talk to their real, actual son instead of the doll (or charging rent?), they each put one rock in their pockets and walked into a fucking lake. First off, that’s absolutely a half-assed way to do that. One rock? That ain’t going to keep your bloated body down, champ. That’s an easy climb back out of the lake while the Misses sinks to the bottom so Mister Brahms can go enjoy the nearest brothel until his heart gives out. But also, you definitely finished paying the mortgage on that house. You’re going to let crazy, manipulative, creep, attic-dwelling Brahm take that house? Scott free? I don’t think so. To their credit though, nice pick on Lauren Cohan as the ‘sacrifice’. It was a good final attempt. If anything’s going to snap Brahm out of his pre-pubescent, eight-year-old in a twenty-eight-year-old’s body, it’s the fucking smoke-show that is Lauren Cohan. Like, who wouldn’t just snap out of it? “Brahms, I know you’re only an eight-year-old boy, wink wink, but here’s a smoking-hot, thirty-five year old, American, woman who just got out of a relationship and is definitely single that we’re going to leave you all alone with, okay? Oh and rule number ten is always give you a kiss goodnight, we just wrote that in for you, so go ahead and enjoy!” But wait, also, how would Brahms really be able to read the death letter his parents sent and get the context? Like I bet there was some upper-class British talk going on in there and he probably stopped his English homework twenty years ago. No way he got all that. I’m just writing myself into hating this movie more and more now. Imagine Brahm’s B.O. No way they had the bids and the bees talk so he’s definitely just reeking to high heaven up in that stuffy attic. But also, how was there a fridge and microwave and shit up there? Brahm didn’t age past eight, but he’s rigging control boxes and electrical equipment? Fucking hell.
To put this all into perspective, it didn’t even have a general consensus on Rotten Tomatoes. So nobody saw this film. Actually, I take that back. This fucking thing made over thirty-five million domestic and over sixty-four million worldwide. On a ten-million dollar budget. Boy was I wrong. Looks like we’re going to have The Boy 2: Brahms Hits Puberty. The plot is he can’t stop jerking his pud to Greta and searches for her in America. The twist is, it’s thirty years later and Greta went through the “change of life” and Brahms is no longer interested, so he goes back to just fucking the dress over a bale of hay from the first one. It’s a full-circle feature film of sorts.

General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 

Last Word “You wouldn't hurt me, would you?” - Sandwich talking to a bottle of Altos Tequila

This Week's Episode

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Terror Firma TV: Halloween Hangover




In this special episode of Terror Firma TV we celebrate our Halloween Hangover with talking about some weird random shiz. Drew, Sandwich & T.W. set the world alight and bang to rights with their thoughts on Halloween, horror and whatever else comes up.

Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch
TW Brown
Drew Carson

Dolby Cinema Review by Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch




Dolby Cinema
Year: 2014-
Started By: Dolby
Starring: Me and My Brother, Leif
Tagline: “Holy fuck, is this still the movie theater?”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: N/A IMDb Rating: N/A

So, this is a different movie review. This is for a theater rather than a film. Like, why would I waste my time and yours on a Blade Runner: 2049 review? Everyone knows it’s great. You, me, everyone who’s seen it, my brother who’s not a film nut in any sense of the word, the fucking mouse that eats all the popcorn on theater floors knows it too. So why not do something a little different?
Dolby Cinema is a throwback cinematic experience. What I mean by that is simple. When you first went to the movies as a child it was an experience. You had your parents take you out and it was an event. Movies on a screen roughly 17,000 times your size, sound that blew your head off and being transported into worlds that weren’t your own. Over time, you become desensitized by that kind of thing. Eventually, you wind up like most of us are, asking your brother to go see a film at 12:30 on a Monday afternoon (when you both somehow inexplicably have off).
Then, on a whim, you decide to try this Dolby Cinema. For seventeen bucks, you actually choose your own seat. Clue number one that this would be different. Then you enter the theater and it’s a long walk to the front then BOOM, giant ass fucking screen. Great, IMAX quality! Love it. Then you see these giants tiers of rows of leather, reclinable comfy seats. Holy shit. THEN the movie starts and the seat is shaking from the subwoofers, the sound is everywhere, even in the ceiling above you! And then for the next three hours you forget totally about your shitty life and your shitty car and the shitty meal you’re going to eat after this is done. It’s an experience. It makes me want to go back, just to be able to go to that theater again.
If I were a multimillionaire designing my own in-home movie theater, I’m not sure I could do it much better than Dolby Cinema. The kicker? I know this is a product, but I’m not getting paid, retweeted or NOTHIN’ for this review! My love of movies and cinema combined with this experience earlier this week and Dolby Cinema is partially to thank for it. Thank you for not just talking my money and investing in another ho-hum FAUX-IMAX theater. Thank you for designing the ultimate theater experience. Fuck 3D, this is the next great movie theater experience.
A quick aside, in terms of Blade Runner: 2049, it is a phenomenal film. It pays homage to the original while also still being able to hold up a new story with new meanings and its own weight of twists and mysteries. You won’t be disappointed. Anyway, that’s all. Carry on now. Okay bye now. Bye bye then.





General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch 



Last Word “Pain reminds you the joy you felt was real.” - Blade Runner: 2049 on Chinese food aftermath.

Thursday, 26 October 2017

Plan 9 From Outta Our Arses!

Sorry!

So I have been a naughty boy and not posted on the website for awhile and for that I apologize. I had a hectic month with planning Halloween specials, guests backing out of upcoming projects, trying to find replacements that are of equal awesomeness, took an ill advised but well needed vacation and I was repeatedly unwell. None of these are great excuses but are just simply the facts.

I am striving to create something we can all be proud of at Terror Firma Media and also push myself beyond my own perceived limits. I lost focus along the way while constructing the Terror Firma Artist Union over on Facebook taking my eye off of the website and to be honest with you the YouTube channel. 

I am looking to rectify that in the coming weeks. I will be doing wee blog updates about my writing journey adapting TW Brown's Zomblog series. These may be videos or written posts or a mix of both. 

I am also still putting together my little personal project "Mind Garden." Mind Garden is a short documentary where I talk candidly about my issues with social anxiety and PTSD while interviewing other creatives who have found a solution to their own issues through their own creative journeys. I am desperate to have this released on YouTube by Christmas so keep your eye out for that. I will also be doing sporadic blog videos about that project. 

I am also putting together a further documentary for Terror Firma TV & the podcast about writing horror. I will be interviewing some cool authors and filmmakers on this and it will be in a similar vein to the "What Does Halloween Mean To You?" Documentary a few episodes back and may end up being a 2 or 3 parter.

Also we will be bringing some fun interviews to the show in the coming weeks so look out for them. A real mix of celebrities and "true" horror voices so they should be fun and no doubt I will get into trouble on at least one of them. 

In other Terror Firma Media news my old show the Drew Carson Show will be finally making its comeback very soon. I have been hesitant to bring the show back as I am wanting to take that show to the next level. Thanks to a strong and loyal audience and word of mouth that show attained heady listener numbers weekly and was only cancelled because I lost interest in playing the PR game. Now with hindsight I realize that the bullshit and banter that goes with booking guests is worth the fun of.....booking guests. 

I want to bring the show back and for it to be bigger than ever. It will no longer be a podcast but instead a YouTube series. Ideas going around my head include eventually having live music, stand-up, interviewing guests in person and possibly a set being built and taking the show out of the virtual studio and into a new venue with a fun set and a live audience. To get to that level I will need your help.... No don't worry I don't mean your cash, although if your offering I have a bunch of T-Shirts that you can buy over on the Terror Firma Store lol, no what I need is your help building the word of mouth. I need you to tweet the celebrities you want me to interview and get the name of the show back out there. That will help more than money ever could.

As for the Terror Firma podcast and YouTube shows I have big plans for them also. I want to record more film commentary tracks, roundtables, specials, documentaries, interviews, appearances at events, on location interviews, taking the show on a ghost hunt for fun and of course always being anti-mainstream in content. This is the show that I do for fun, for the sheer joy of hanging out with horror stars, fans my friends to talk shit about the industry. 

We will also be bringing more content to the YouTube channel featuring members of the #TFAUnion in fun and interesting collaborations. So if you are an artistic person or just love film, music, video games, podcasts and all other forms of entertainment then hop on over to FB and send a request to join the best group.... nah the best community on that platform right now. 



Drew 'Terror' Carson CEO of Terror Firma Media


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Saturday, 7 October 2017

It Comes At Night Review by Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



It Comes at Night
Year: 2017
Directed and Written By: Trey Edward Shults
Starring: Joel Edgerton, Christopher Abbott, Carmen Ejogo, Riley Keough and Kelvin Harrison Jr.
Tagline: “Secure within a desolate home as an unnatural threat terrorizes the world, a man has established a tenuous domestic order with his wife and son. Then a desperate young family arrives seeking refuge.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 89%
IMDb Rating: 6.3/10

Most of what you see advertised today are the big films. The It remakes, the Marvel and DC movies, the empty-calorie blockbusters like Transformers or Fast and the Furious and endless, mindless remakes. However, every once in awhile, modern filmmaking turns it’s glance on an effectively chilling and all-around fantastic film. It Comes at Night is one of those films.
First off, Joel Edgerton is one of the most underrated actors in all of the known universe. The man should be a legend. Couple that with a gripping premise and plenty of room to show off his acting chops, that’s a recipe for success. Now, ala the tagline up top, it does start with the fact that this is post-sickness, whatever that means. I thought they would devolve into full zombie bullshit by the end of the film, but they didn’t. They stayed true to what this film was about. It’s about the family, the relationships built and the interactions and settings that make those relationships crumble. In doing so, you come away with a surprisingly realistic, post-Apocalyptic event where you start to question what you would do as well as make you want to watch the movie with a gas mask and a bottle of Purell.
Hey! Shocker! I agree with Rotten Tomatoes. “It Comes at Night makes lethally effective use of its bare-bones trappings while proving once again that what's left unseen can be just as horrifying as anything on the screen.” I was left with a feeling of anxiety and a knot in my stomach and that’s exactly what they were striving for. As I stated at the top, today you get a lot of empty movies. Movies you mentally check out of. Movies that twenty-minutes in you pause it and go, “FUCK ME, there’s still an hour and ten minutes left? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! NooOOOooOoOooOooo!” Which then prompts you to just scroll through Snapchat and glance up at the screen every once in awhile and go, “Ha. That’s cool.” Then back to the phone. I didn’t look at my phone once during this film. I think the word “gripping” is used a lot to describe films as a buzzword so it loses something. But this movie is gripping. It’s true to what it is and never apologies for it.
I had to record our comedy podcast, The Ranting and Raving Podcast (#CheapPlug), after seeing this and it was honestly tough for me to switch into full joke mode. What movie has that effect on me? None usually. See what happens when I string together some good films to watch?! I become more human than human*! That must stop. Shark Exorcist here I come!

General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch


Last Word “You can't trust anyone but family.” - Paul, It Comes At Night takes outtake lines from The Godfather and re-purposes them. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s going to be okay.” - Sarah, It Comes at Night correctly predicts my mantra to myself every morning after remembering what I ate and drank the night before. 

*Sandwich’s random music outburst this week brought to you by “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie*.

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

IT Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



I T
Year: 2017
Directed By: Andy Muschietti
Based on the Novel By: Stephen King
Starring: Jaeden Lieberher, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Sophia Lillis, Finn Wolfhard, Jack Dylan Grazer, Chosen Jacobs, Wyatt Oleff and Bill Skarsgård
Tagline: “A group of bullied kids band together when a shapeshifting demon, taking the appearance of a clown, begins hunting children.”
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 85%
IMDb Rating: 7.9/10

Stephen King, as noted on Terror Firma previous episodes, does not have a good track record when it comes to his novels, shorts and stories being turned into films. For the most part, my experience with it is they ignore the characters...which is the basis for most good films and shows. It is not one of those films. This is a great movie and a great Stephen King book adaptation. When It: Chapter Two comes out (2019), I believe this will cover the entirety of the book (or at least the most important parts) and it will feel like a good meal. Satisfied and not overstuffed or with an aching stomach because it was too much bad shit. Like the pound of skittles I nervously munched through watching this.

I’m struggling to even find a place to start with this movie. The cast was great, the acting was great, the soundtrack was effective, I loved the camera angles and the different variety of angles you got. Bill Skarsgård as Pennywise the Dancing Clown was stellar. Reading up about this film after viewing, he was tremendously nervous about living up the performance by Tim Curry in the 1990 version. By my accounts, he created a new Pennywise in his own right. The story was great, loved the relationships and everything going on in the film. If they took away Pennywise and the whole supernatural element, you still would have a great murder-mystery on your hands and the film would still stand up. That’s saying something, especially in the horror genre.

Back to the acting for a hot second. I am generally not a fan of child actors, but it would seem recently these kids really got that shit on lockdown. I feel like up until now, the only qualifications for being a child actor before was to remember your lines. Now, they’re telling Bill Skarsgård they love what he’s doing with his character and shit! It’s the same thing that’s happening in the sports world, if your kid is a pitcher and you’re a parent today, you’re going have him pitch the entire twelve months of every year until he gets into college baseball. Except by the time he’s twenty, he’ll need Tommy-John surgery and be totally fucked out of a baseball career. The same thing is happening with these child actors and actresses. They’re actually acting! I imagine it’s because parents are training them to be professionals instead of letting them have normal lives. Take it or leave it, but this film and shows like Stranger Things, there’s a whole movement of legit child actors and actresses coming up. For better or worse, they’re here.

Okay, rant over, back to the movie. I equate this film to Stand By Me meets The Conjuring and I loved every second of it. There will be some debate surrounding this movie and the things in it, as always in the Stephen King circles, but I love how they took on this project, and in my estimation, succeeded with flying red balloons. I couldn’t agree more with Rotten Tomatoes. “Well-acted and fiendishly frightening with an emotionally affecting story at its core, It amplifies the horror in Stephen King’s classic story without losing touch with its heart.” #Preach. Plus, they avoided the particular inflammatory moments of the book and replaced with what I believed to be very effective substitutes. But that may be up the the eye of the beholder. “CHOICE IS MADE FOR YOU, MY FRIEND!”*

 I’m very much looking forward to It: Chapter Two to see how well they attack the adult parts of the book. Also, the adult cast, will they have the same charisma as the teenage actors in this version? I’m not entirely sure they’ll be able to pull that off and that’s a big meatball just hanging there. Either way, there I was in an AMC theater at noon on a sunny Saturday nursing a hangover and still was bone-chilled and impressed with the chosen feature. I think you will be too. I may even buy this sumbitch on Blu Ray.
 
Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch


Last Word “Tasty, tasty, beautiful fear.” - It, Pennywise the Dancing Clown sums up forgetting your anniversary.

*Sandwich’s random Metallica outburst of the day, brought to you by him writing ‘eye of the beholder’. It doesn’t take much.

Monday, 25 September 2017

The Mummy Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch






The Mummy
Year: 2017
Directed By: Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Russell Crowe and Jake Johnson
Tagline: “An ancient Egyptian princess is awakened from her crypt beneath the desert, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia, and terrors that defy human comprehension.”
RottenTomatoes Score: 16%
IMDb Rating: 5.6/10

This one hurts. A big fan of the Universal Monster films and the potential for a “Dark Universe”, I immediately got excited for this one when it was announced. Then Tom Cruise was the star of it. I had mixed emotions. I’m a Tom Cruise fan, unlike most people these days, say what you will, but the man is an action star and a box office draw. Which is why the four-hundred million dollar raking in worldwide was a bit of a shock. After seeing the film, I can now see why.
If I had to choose one word to describe this film, I would use a word that comes up too often in a lot of big picture productions these days. Empty. Part of what made the late nineties Mummy films so fun was their charm, emotion and the ability to land a joke. They rode on the coattails of Brendan Fraser and honored the mythology of the story. Now, I understand these are not great films, but they’re films that have survived a long time in a business that will bury the films that don’t have any blood, sweat and tears poured into them. Enter Tom Cruise’s version of The Mummy.
Now, look, I don’t know what to really think about the rest of the Dark Universe films. I am absolutely going to watch them. No doubt. The Bride of Frankenstein is supposed to be the next one and Javier Bardem is supposed to be Frankenstein’s Monster. There is hope. And, if I did my research correctly, what I read is suggesting that Tom Cruise had way too much control on the set and in the editing bay and that his influences severely altered the course of this film. I believe it and I can see if that is true, a bright future remains for this Dark Universe. It’s too rich with such a long history to not have a couple of successful entries. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-Wolfman-Creature from the Black Lagoon-Frankenstein crossover?! WHO I ASK?!
Oh, you want reviews of this actual film not just the Dark Universe? Well, my friends, the life of the Dark Universe is teetering on the edge of existence right now, so I took that as the more important option. Watch the film, go ahead. You won’t. If you do, you won’t hate it. You won’t love it. You really won’t feel anything about it in anyway at all which is probably the most indicative thing I can say about it. That’s the lasting impression I get. As I write this, The Mummy is fresh in my head. I imagine that in twenty-four hours or less I will have no memory of this movie as it is already fading fast back into the subconscious of my dark mind. Sandwich Dark Mind Universe. I literally remember more scenes from the 1999 version than a film I just saw.
The worst part of this film is Tom Cruise’s attempt to be charismatic and hokey. It just doesn’t work. And that pains me to say it, because I am a Tom Cruise lover. As in I’m a fan. I’d be lucky to be a Tom Cruise lover. But he has to know when to step off. I love Jake Johnson, if he was the lead in this film (and minus the Tom Cruises influence during production) I bet this film would have been better off. I would fight the Rotten Tomatoes review just because I want the Dark Universe to exist and pump out films. But they’re not wrong. “Lacking the campy fun of the franchise's most recent entries and failing to deliver many monster-movie thrills, The Mummy suggests a speedy unraveling for the Dark Universe.” In the immortal words of Darth Vader, “NOOOoOoooOOOoOOOoOOO!”



Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

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Last Word “You can’t run. You can’t escape. She’s got plans for you.” - The Mummy sums up marriage

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Tales Of The Damned: The Hounds Of Love By John Farman & Will Pickering




Written By John Farman & Art By Will Pickering

Rough Night Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



Rough Night
Year: 2017
Directed By: Lucia Aniello
Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Kate McKinnon, Zoë Kravitz, Jillian Bell and Ilana Glazer
Tagline: “Things go terribly wrong for a group of girlfriends who hire a male stripper for a bachelorette party in Miami.” RottenTomatoesScore: 46%
IMDbRating: 5.2/10

When a movie is tagged with the description of “the female Hangover” you’re immediately going to one of two places. One, that’s bullshit. Or two, wasn’t that Bridesmaids? Either way, take it easy with The Hangover references people. That was a perfect storm of a comedy movie, they couldn't even replicate the magic in two sequels and they made the original!

No, this is not even close to a ‘Female Hangover’, however it is not without its moments. It’s got a talented cast and Jillian Bell and Kate McKinnon are by far and away the funniest ones of the bunch. I love Broad City and Ilana Glazer is phenomenal in that show, but just didn’t shine through in this one. Zoë Kravitz, to me, is nothing more than a could-have-been rock star’s daughter. Scarlett Johansson does her best to hang, but the obvious nature of an A-list star in a genre that’s not usually in her wheelhouse was too great to overcome. See, John Cusack in Hot Tub Time Machine. Also, holy run-on-sentence Batman.

As I said, there were some funny gags and cool castings throughout the film. I’m happy with the R-rating, more comedies need to go that route these days. A lot of scenes just weren’t as funny as they could have been. I do not understand the casting of Zoë Kravitz and Scarlett Johansson. If they casted stand-ups or comedic personalities in those roles, this movie could have really shined through and chemistry could have actually worked and they could have cut together scenes that weren’t stagnant. I’ll never understand that. If you have a movie based around friends reuniting, perhaps you should have friends or at least acquaintances reunite. Not this mismatch of talent. The funniest scenes in the films were the other side of the coin with the men’s “bachelor party” starring Paul W. Downs along with some very funny dudes. The problem with this movie, well one of the, is their B-storyline was funnier than their main storyline. That’s an issue. Eric Andre and the other bachelor’s created a great atmosphere and change-up to the mains storyline and that’s what you’re supposed to have happen. It’s a great joke and one of the few that work to its full potential. Actually, maybe the only joke that works to its full potential. Unfortunately. There are funny moments and if you got in expecting nothing, you’ll get a little something in return. But expect literally nothing.

I’d have to agree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, although I’m surprised at the rating. I agree more with the tag than the actual percentage of forty-six, “Rough Night’s gifted stars are certainly good for some laughs, but their talents aren't properly utilized in a scattered comedy that suffers from too many missed opportunities.” #Preach

Review and General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch

LastWord “Stop being a stupid fucking cunt and do a little cocaine!” - Rough Night talking directly to Sandwich

Monday, 11 September 2017

Logan Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch




Logan
Year: 2017
Directed By:​ ​James Mangold
Starring:​ ​Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Dafne Keen, Boyd Holbrook and Stephen Merchant
Tagline: “In the near future, a weary Logan cares for an ailing Professor X, somewhere on the Mexican border. However, Logan's attempts to hide from the world, and his legacy, are upended when a young mutant arrives, pursued by dark forces.” Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%
IMDb Rating: 8.2/10

This is the Wolverine movie the world needed. The movie I needed. From the opening scene, they may as well have said, “This ain’t your daddy’s Wolverine movie”. Fuck genre conventions, fuck standard PG-13 ratings for superhero films, fuck tidy-looking heroes and exalt the anti-heroes, Logan is the cream of the crop film Hugh Jackman and James Mangold wanted and needed to make to be able to leave this character behind with no stone unturned and no bit of movie effort left untouched and unscathed.
The first time you see Logan, he’s muttering “fuck” under his breath. Not two minutes later he’s decapitating some cholos and slicing their legs off. This for sure is the Wolverine movie the world needed. It’s dark, it’s gritty, it’s violent, it’s heart-warming, it’s cold, it’s heartfelt, it’s bloody, it’s sad, it’s depressing, it’s genre-defying and genre-creating. It’s perfect. It rewrote what “superhero” films should be. They should be based in reality with storylines and real emotions with some underlying mythos. Not the formulaic Marvel films now that are all PG-13 and colorful and cheerful. That’s just unrealistic and unrelatable. Logan is the anti-superhero film. It’s not even my favorite X-Men movie, because it doesn’t classify as an X-Men movie. If you want to get technical, it exists in that universe but it’s an offshoot of the Old Man Logan comics and quite frankly, I’m not even talking about that. I’m saying, Hugh Jackman wanted to make one more Wolverine movie. May as well make it the best one yet. It took many years, but we finally have the formula for what a Mutant/Superhero film should be. And Logan is i-t it.
When Marvel writes in character “flaws” it’s one thing. It’s one thing that gets exploited to make the superheroes human. It’s still incredibly unrealistic and unrelatable, hence the empty feeling you’re left with when you’re done watching those films. In Logan, he’s getting poisoned by his adamantium skeleton, he still hates everyone and loves no one until he’s forced to. Oh, and he’s suicidal too. Every character has multiple human flaws and that only aides the film forward and allows you to dive into the characters and they dive into each other.
There’s nothing I hate about this film. From the casting to the story to the visuals and easter eggs, this is a great movie for fans of the character and the X-Men comics. Couldn’t agree more with Rotten Tomatoes this time around, “Hugh Jackman makes the most of his final outing as Wolverine with a gritty, nuanced performance in a violent but surprisingly thoughtful superhero action film that defies genre conventions.” I’ll add on to that, makes the genre conventions what it should be. Fuck that, making a genre. Call it FuckMarvelFuckDCLetsJustMakeAGreatMovie. That works. Could work as a hashtag too. #FuckMarvelFuckDCLetsJustMakeAGreatMovie. What do you mean I don’t know anything about social media?
In short, if you haven’t seen Logan, I would highly recommend you do so. If you don’t want to see Logan, then go fuck yourself, I have nothing to say to the likes of you. Other than the things that have already been said, of course.



Review​ ​and​ ​General​ ​Shenanigans​ ​Written​ ​By​: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch
Last​ ​Word  “I did something. Something unspeakable. I've remembered what happened in Westchester. This is not the first time I've hurt people. Until today, I didn't know. You wouldn't tell me. So we just kept on running away from it. I think I finally understand you.” - Charles Xavier, Logan (2017)

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Tales Of The Damned: Julia Bronte, Monster Hunter By John Farman & John Howard



Written by John Farman
Art By John Howard

Baywatch Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



Baywatch


Year:​ 2017
Directed​ ​By:​ ​Seth Gordon
Starring:​ ​Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron
Tagline​: “Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads with a brash new recruit, as they uncover a criminal plot that threatens the future of the bay.”
Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: 19%
IMDb​ ​Rating​: 5.6/10

Call me crazy, but this is the movie I chose to review. Yes, I know it’s a comedy on a horror network. What can I say? After Raiders of the Lost Shark, I felt like nothing could be worse. So, with my new-found cavalier attitude I pulled my FireTV remote out of its holster and saw this bad boy sitting there. Bring it on I said. “Let the hate flow through you,” Emperor Palpatine said. Unfortunately, the dark side will not win today. Not taday!

I thoroughly enjoyed this film. Yep, I said it. Look, it’s obviously a reboot/remake of the original TV show with David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Are people sitting here pretending that was a good show? Fuck no! You know why that was a good show? It showed slow motion bouncing tits on network TV in the late 80s-90s. Before that was a thing. So what did this film do? Showed plenty of that. A lot of cleavage. And, hello, unlike most reboots and films today, they went with an R rating! That’s a diamond in a rough these days. You do that and you have my attention. Dick jokes, fuck words being thrown around, thank you! And the best part? The film knew it was a comedy! It knew what it was and never tried to get really sentimental, never tried to be anything it wasn’t. It honored the original source material, even had the Hoff and Pammy come back for cameos. I mean, what more do you want, people? What more do you actually want? I could have used a couple more tits on screen, but maybe that’s just because I watch Game of Thrones and Westworld so maybe I’m a little over-saturated.

I like The Rock, but at this point I’ll take him or leave him. I mean seriously, how many films can he do a year? Don’t even get me started on the Jumanji film. Zac Efron is really a talented comedic actor. If you didn’t see either of the Neighbors films, do yourself a favor. I don’t think anybody expected this to be a masterpiece. Sure, some of the jokes could have been better. Some tweaks would have been welcome, but this is a place where I staunchly disagree with Rotten Tomatoes. “Baywatch takes its source material's jiggle factor to R-rated levels, but lacks the original's campy charm -- and leaves its charming stars flailing in the shallows.” Campy charm? That’s only something that exists in hindsight. How can a recent film have campy charm? And aside from that, the pun about starts flailing in the shallows is the worse than any joke that the film made. Go fuck yourself. There could have been a couple jokes that were slight misses and reoccurring some of them would have added to the laugh factor I think, but to say this is a horrible comedy is just straight up wrong. Watch the original TV show and then watch this and you’ll want to drown yourself in “campy charm” rather than sit through the old Baywatch TV show.

The balls on people to give comedy’s bad reviews like this just feed into the machine of comedy’s getting disrespected at the box office, the oscars and golden globes alike. A comedy is a comedy. I wanted to see a funny film with dick jokes, tits and Zac Efron and guess what? That’s what I got. I didn’t want life lessons being forced down my throat more than what was already there. Be a good person, be a team player, don’t be selfish. Great, anymore than that and it turns into a dramedy or a straight up drama. I implore you, watch this with no preconceived notions. I watched expecting nothing and I got a nice little rated R comedy film that kept me entertained throughout. But maybe that’s just because I’m a simpleton. Let’s see what you think.

Review​ ​and​ ​General​ ​Shenanigans​ ​Written​ ​By​: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch



P.S.: If you hate it, who cares? It’s not like Baywatch is paying me to do this shit. Fuck me, I’m not even getting paid at all! Yeah! So...so who’s the real moron here? That’s what I thought. Keep on walking. Bitch.


Editor's note: Steve will be rewarded with his own film review show 'Sandwich & Chill' on the Terror Firma Network when we... you know.. win the lottery or rob a bank and can afford to break out into Cable Television lol. 

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Raiders Of The Lost Shark Review By Steve 'Sandwich' Hanisch



Raiders of the Lost Shark

Year:​ ​2015
Directed​ ​By:​ ​Scott Patrick...but did you really even want to know that? Does he even want his name attached to this?
Tagline​: “Four friends set out by boat for an idyllic vacation on a private, remote island. But unknown to them, a weaponized shark has escaped from a top secret military lab nearby, a shark that was genetically engineered with hate in its blood, and programmed to hunt any human within range. Now, these friends must band together to battle an all new brand of predator who will stop at nothing to remain at the top of the food chain.”

Rotten​ ​Tomatoes​ ​Score​: N/A 
IMDb​ ​Rating​: 1.6/10 If ratings were the creed in which we lived our lives by, then a 1.6 on the IMDb scale would be legendarily awful. Maybe it’s my love for bad movies that dragged me in, or perhaps my love of Harrison Ford (Raiders of the Lost Ark, get it? GET IT?!) or perhaps it is my love for shark movies that sucked me in. Whatever the case may be, I believe this to be the best, worst decision I have made in a long while.

From the opening title scroll sequence to the ending credits, this movie is a piece of shit. But let us not dwell on the awfulness of this feature; let us enjoy the good moments. Wait. Does this count as a feature film? It’s only an hour long. The acting is horrendous, the writing is worse and the special effects would be terrible for forty years ago, the story has already been done (Deep Blue Sea, anyone?), I mean woof. There are infinite things I could be doing with my day. Like literally, infinite? If I stared at a blank screen, that would be a better use of my time. Diarrhea for these hour and ten minutes would be productive because at least I’d be getting the evil out instead of visually ingesting it. Whatever company or talent made this film, and I say talent just because I don’t know what else to call them, have never studied film, nay, have never even seen a film. And are definitely not adults. A twelve year old must have wrote and directed this. Does anyone know Scott Patrick? Do we know he’s definitely real or definitely an adult?

This is bottom of the barrel. I am now dumber for having seen it. Amazon is now shittier for letting this take up room in their video library. This could have been cut down to a twenty-minute short film that would be digestible. Perhaps the thing you most need to know about this “movie”? There are literally no reviews on Rotten Tomatoes for this. Like as in not one person has reviewed it. Not a critic, not a user. We just might be breaking ground here. I don’t know whether or not to be proud or embarrassed. I feel like I need to go take a shit. Purge this movie from my system.
I almost forgot, why is this called Raiders of the Lost Shark? It has nothing to do with mystical anything or searching for a historic artifact that could be linked to the shark or anything like that. It’s just a pun. Do not drag the Indiana Jones films through the mud like that, you mother fuckers. Needless to say, this is a movie to avoid. Unless you’re a Sharknado fan and get off on really horrendous cinema. Like superbly horrendous.

Plot​ ​Spoilers​ ​and​ ​Commentary​ ​Ahead

At this point, I went through the film and wrote commentary as I watched. I hope you enjoy, read for a nice laugh. If you’re more of a traditional film viewer, then maybe disregard this portion. However, if you are a serious film buff, then why the fuck are you watching this movie?

2:48​: I have not yet had anything clever to say. My first thought after this long into the film was “Jesus Christ, what have I done?”
3:20:​ Time to take your medicine” coming from this perverted fifty-something talking to a thirty, it feels, how you say, Cosby-esque.
3:30:​ “Best idea ever.” I feel quite the opposite, thank you very much.
6:28:​ “This isn’t so bad afterall.” I feel like all of these lines so far are just the writers and director talking to themselves in a mirror trying to not shoot themselves in the face.
7:45:​ METAL BRO! Badass theme song bruhhh. I feel like a 12 year old wrote this. I want girls and blood and rockin’ tunes in the intro!
10:00:​ Jesus Christ, none of my professors ever looked like that. Also, they could turn their volume levels down a tad. We peakin’ over here.
11:00:​ “That’s a big shark.” You loveable moron you.
11:45:​ It’s not a speech, it’s a lecture. If this is a college setting, it’s a lecture, not a speech. Like I said, 12 year old.
14:10:​ Whoa Momma” How about you show some fucking tit and give me one redeemable quality about this film?
14:30:​ No girl ever just chargers into a body of water by the way, they just lay on the beach and giggle and eek when going into the water. Just sayin’
15:00:​ Don’t say chicken! THe shark will just feed on the other white mea-oh too late.
15:15:​ ​Yes. The sense of urgency by doughboy. “Tracy!” Takes shirt off. Stumbles with one shoe. Stumbles with other shoe. “Tracy” Still on land, by the way. Great, great acting. Just, top notch stuff. FUCKING DIVE UNDERWATER. She went under, why would you stand shouting on top of the water. Maybe that’s why he’s a security guard. Next career move could be the DMV, AMIRIGHT?
16:00:​ Wow, impressive how a megalodon shark can 1) live in a lake and 2) creates not even a ripple in the water. Impressive.
17:40:​ Steven you lovable moron. 
19:00:​ That is not at all what I thought her voice would sound like. Sounds like Kristen Bell on helium.
19:58:​ ​lmao yes! Okay, stand here, we’re going to get a shot of your arm floating. We don’t have the budget for a fake arm or even a manikin arm, so you’re going to stand here and I’m going to horribly frame your arm on the shot. This is fucking garbage on top of garbage. Like, you don’t even have to go to film school to see all the things wrong with this “movie”.
20:30:​ ​How do they all have bathing suits on under their clothes? Show me the goods! Show dem boobies! C’mon now!
21:15:​ wait, now they have a fake arm? Why wouldn’t they just use that on the previous shot? Huh? What?
22:00:​ What kind of shark sound was that? Generic beast sound in audacity I’m guessing. God this is awful. Can I just...not...do this anymore? Is anyone reading this? ANYONE? HELP! I’m trapped in an abyss.
23:40:​ When did Foghorn Leghorn turn into a human male?
24:00:​ He still jerks off to National Geographic magazines? Ape lady edition, am I right?
25:00:​ Was that a still image cutaway? Good god. This might be the cheapest film ever made.
26:00:​ “You’ve been watching too many bad movies” HA! That’s funny oh that’s funny because this is a bad movie!
27:00:​ Identify the problem. Lady, fucking four people are dead. There’s your problem.
28:00:​ ​Look, it’s this movies version of quint! Captain Stubing, really? Why is he Scottish? Why is he wearing a wool sweater in the summer? But seriously, we’ve found the best actor this movie has to offer. Finally. Not good, just the best in this movie. I’ve seriously made better shorts in college than this piece of shit. Just a quick aside. Carry on.
31:04:​ “Don’t I deserve nice things?” Judging from your tattoos, you’re not use to nice things. So. No.
32:11:​ TITS! TIT ALERT! But okay, this scene is far too long. She’s repeated the same water dance three times. Good, there you shark. The husbands reaction is the first good idea for a joke I’ve seen yet.
37:00:​ What is this place? This is Rodney.” Like, you can’t write worse than this. You literally can’t. You can’t try to be this bad. You can’t. I refuse to accept this as a piece of cinema that exists.
39:00:​ You know what, Steve from Smash Mouth as a Scottish Pirate is my favorite character. As shitty and over the top as he is, that’s what he’s supposed to be. Still not good, far from it, but he’d probably benefit from a, well, real production.
40:00:​ How many fucking times are we going to see couples get killed? WE GET IT. There’s a fucking shark. We. Fucking. Get. It. “What’s your problem tough guy?” “My problem is, I’m out of focus and blurry because for some reason this is the only angle they could figure out for my reverse shots to this conversation. That’s my problem.”
41:00:​ “Flying shark? FLYYYIINNGGG SHAARRRKKK!” To me, that’s on par with “You’re tearing me apart Lisa! Oh hi, Mark.”
41:30:​ ​What is this, the 80s? It’s okay to show a news report that’s not fucking tracking on a VHS tape. I...I just can’t anymore. I have to watch this and brood. I have no more witty remarks. This movie has drained me of my lifeforce.

Review & General Shenanigans Written By: Steve “Sandwich” Hanisch